You're not alone

Part 31

One month later, it was time to go home again. Meredith had spent four and a half weeks at the clinic now and honestly, she was getting better. It had helped. She had been in group therapy, they had done workshops together and she had talked a lot which had been really hard in the beginning and she had learned to understand and cope with what she was feeling.

In the beginning it had been awful. She had been extremely mad at Jolene so that she had refused to see her during the first week but as she had slowly started to adjust to the new and unknown environment she had acknowledged that Jolene had made the right decision. It was hard, having to face your emotions and feelings every single minute of every single day since that was what this whole thing was about but she had learned to open up.

Dr. Bloom, her old therapist, had been replaced by Dr. Wyatt. This change had probably been the hardest challenge for Meredith so far since Dr. Wyatt hadn't know anything about her yet, meaning that she had to repeat her whole story. She had to talk about how she was getting bullied at school, how she failed tests and exams because she was too slow, how she struggled with panic attacks and- she had talked about her leg. She had told Dr. Wyatt how she had lost her leg, a story she didn't even tell Andrew nor Jolene.

Flashback

"Meredith, I know that it is hard for you but- to me it seems that most of your problems go back into your early childhood. To a traumatic event that changed everything. For example the accident and how you lost your leg. I am almost sure that you haven't been able to open up about this to a lot of people before right?" Dr. Wyatt asked, looking at Meredith who was lying on the couch in front of her, tightly holding onto the pillow in her arms as she nodded her head.

"It could be that most of your anxiety is rooted in this trauma Meredith. You have never really- coped. Because from what you've told me about Ellis she wasn't really helpful during that time." Dr. Wyatt continued, looking at the little girl. "You never had the chance to express your feelings about this day. From what I know you also lost your father in that car crash and-death is something that requires a lot of time to process. And Ellis robbed that time from you by never letting you talk to her about what is going on inside of you."

After a short pause Meredith slowly sat up. "You want me to tell you the story right?" she asked, looking up at her therapist a little shyly. "I want you to learn how to open up to the people who care about you. And I want to help you to finally understand how you feel about this day because from what you've told me so far you have rather mixed feelings about your father and- that might be the origin of your depression and anxiety. You have never been able to cope and I want you to feel safe enough to tell me that story and be able to cope now in order to improve your own health."

"Okay. I will tell you." Meredith said, before going quiet again. After a whole minute had passed Dr. Wyatt decided to speak up again. "Take all the time you need."

Taking a deep breath she pulled her knees up to her chest and started to tell the story she had never ever shared with anyone before.

"My- my dad, his name was Thatcher, he was an amazing dad. He- would always play with me, cuddle with me and take care of me. I loved him a lot, a lot more than Ellis because she ignored me pretty much all of the time or- said mean things to me. So, my dad and I were very close. But- Ellis and him were fighting a lot- mostly about me. My dad always defended me though and he never let her hurt me." Meredith started but stopped. She was really doing it, she was sharing her story. But it was hard. Way harder than she had expected it to be. Tears started to well up in her eyes and she didn't dare to look up at Dr. Wyatt. She could do this. And if Dr. Wyatt was right she would feel better after talking about this. She could finally figure out what she had been supressing all those years since the accident happened.

"But then there was one day, when I was seven, where they had a huge fight, worse than any of the other fights before. At one point my dad picked me up, carried me into the car and just started driving. The whole time he was talking to me about things I don't really remember and also- didn't understand but- he was driving so fast that I was scared. I was crying the whole time. And then he stopped and turned around to look at me. He said that he loved me and that he was trying to protect me from Ellis."

Taking another deep breath she looked to the side at the aquarium, observing the fish swimming around in it.

"And that's all I remember because then I woke up in the hospital and half of my left leg was gone. After a few weeks Ellis just took me home and- I never saw my dad again. I asked her a thousand times what had happened but she never answered. So, I just lived with it, not knowing how I lost my leg or where my dad was. Ellis made me- forget about it. She wanted me to forget about my dad. Half a year later I- went through my dad's stuff that Ellis had thrown into the basement. And I found a letter that was addressed to her. It was from my dad but I was scared to read it since it had the date of the accident on the envelope." Okay, now the really hard part she thought, continuing with talking.

"Uhm- so- a few months later I then decided to open it because I finally wanted to find out what had happened since I had lost my leg and my father without even knowing how. And- I found out that- my dad killed himself that day. He had planned it for a long time and wrote that it he had just lagged the courage, well, until that day. It was some kind of explanation or justify. He wrote in his letter how much he loved me and that he was sorry and that he was just trying to protect me from her and didn't know another way how to. So- he tried to kill us, both of us- but- only he died and I survived. I lost my leg in this car crash. A-and I have never talked about this to anyone. I also never really thought about what I think of- what he's done because I don't know what I think. I want to keep him in my memory as the amazing dad who he was before that day and I am scared that if I would start thinking about it too much that- I would start to hate him. But I don't want that." Meredith finished, taking another deep breath, trying to calm herself down.

By now she was crying silently, tears streaming down her cheeks uncontrollably. For six years she had never talked, nor even thought much about that day. She had always tried to suppress all the thoughts and memories because she didn't want to face all of it. She didn't want to hate her father for what he had done.

End of flashback

This conversation had been the worst day of her stay. She had cried the whole day, she had begged the nurses to allow her to call Andrew but they had refused. Dr. Wyatt had made her talk about the accidents a lot. And in the end, she had been able to feel something, to let out all those bottled-up emotions and she had understood that she had in fact never been mad at Thatcher for that he had tried to kill her. Dr. Wyatt had suggested that he might have been badly depressed and hadn't seen another way to get away from Ellis and to Meredith it was clear that it hadn't been her father's fault. Although she had lost her leg which was one of the main reasons she was getting bullied she never actually blamed Thatcher for that. Ellis had been the origin of his depression and by abusing Meredith emotionally her whole life also hers.

All in all, she was more than happy to be able to go home tomorrow. This month had been draining but at the same time, looking back she had to admit that talking about her past had been somehow relieving. She felt good, almost lighter. She had managed to share her story with Dr. Wyatt and she was proud of herself because of that.

Looking down she felt a smile creeping onto her face. She was wearing one of Andrew's sweatshirts and it felt absolutely amazing. She hadn't seen him for the past two weeks since they had only been allowed to visit that one time. And she missed him. She missed being in his arms, having him hold and cuddle her.

Right now she was sitting on the bed in her room, looking around and taking in her surroundings one more time. By now, the walls were covered in pictures she had painted during her stay. The atelier of the clinic had been her favourite spot during the past month and she had spent almost every free minute in that room. Once, Dr. Wyatt had even agreed to do her daily therapy session in the atelier and had allowed her to paint while they had talked. She might miss that. But as soon as she would be home again she would have forgotten about all of this here anyways. She couldn't wait to go home again. Home, where her family was. Home, where Jolene and Andrew were. 

Okay, I am so sorry that it took me five whole months to update this story but I somehow have no ideas anymore for this one... so if you'd like you can leave some suggestions on how to wrap this story up =)