Onsra

Chapter 05

I kept waiting again. For all that I can do is wait. Wait for her to come back. Wait for her to accept me. Again. She said she'll be back in a few days but my inner turmoil was not still anymore. Just once I want to hear her side, her thoughts., at least then I can finally accept my destiny. Sometimes I just stay in my vivid thoughts for long, thinking if she actually felt so disturbed like I'm feeling right now. She went that day saying she'll be back in a few days. Today is New Year's Eve. I got a special leave today so I came back home preparing and decorating all I can so that when she'll return she'll feel good. Feel special. 

I waited for her. Say it my fault or stress, I slept in between keeping my eyes on the main door. Somewhere in the night she came. Just like the queen she was, she walked up to me ever so elegantly. A black satin dress hugging her physique; Her brown locks waving with the air. And as dramatic as it sound, you can only experience the pause in time by either a movie or when you're in love. Just like that I saw my queen that night. The surroundings blurred and my only focus stuck on her. 

"Atasi, what are you doing to me?", my voice came barely as a whisper for I cannot digest the fact of her being so close to me. She squat down to my level and my fogged up mind still can't differentiate if it's real or not. She carried that shy smile with her. I almost failed to recognize her as the present Atasi. There was the smile she used to give me back in town. I tried to take in all that was happening in that very moment. From how her fingers traced my face, stopping on my eyes, caressing my cheeks to how her inaudible gasps came out when I opened my eyes; how her lips turned into a visible pout when gently stroking my scar.     

"Is it still paining? ", she uttered in a cracking voice. I nodded my head as no and snickered when she trailed on to kissing my scar as if it was a fresh wound. That was when my thoughts collapsed and I figured out : she was drunk. No wonder she was happy to see me. A sober Atasi will never be. So to the extent I recalled, the very next moment I found her lips on mine. My breath hitched and I tried pushing her back. All in vain, as to I failed in keeping my composure and she failed to hide her true feelings. Our lips went in sync and she tried to keep up with my pace. It was her first and my rookie baby tried to take this chance as if it's her last. Oh baby! how wrong you were. It went on from being a little sweet kiss to being a passionate one. Added how she slipped her arms behind my neck and how I tightened my grasp on her waist pulling her on my lap. I tasted the bitter sweet flavored wine through the kiss. It was when we both were out of breath, we parted away. I ecstatically hugged her tight. Her face fell on my chest and she nuzzled on my neck.     

"Happy New Year", she said. I realized the clock ringing in the background indicating it's January 01. We stayed like this for I don't know how long, I just liked her close to me. The said food on the dining went cold. The candles in their mid journey. Somewhere in between she trailed off, "I no longer vibe on romantic songs you know." A pause and she started again, "my body is as empty as my thoughts of you. I don't remember when was the last time I experienced butterflies in my stomach for I no longer get them. I don't remember what it is like to build up scenarios of you when a slow romantic song plays. I don't remember what's a safe touch or sweet intention is for all I remember is how badly you refused each of my effort to be close to you and I tried...  ", till this time she chocked on her own tears but she tried to continue and I panicked, not knowing if I should cry with her as each of her sentence is tearing me apart or to calm her down. I patted her back and she continued. "I tried to love you even in my broken state because if it wasn't you, then my heart refused to accept anyone else. But, for h-how long could I go after you if you're not even respecting me even as an individual. A time came when my broken pieces started to cut my own skin. I bled with the thoughts of not having you anymore. I screamed for someone to help me lessen this ache to just bring back the version of me before I met you. Before my insides were conquered by only you and your versions in which I imagined myself to be with in the future. I went numb Yuvan. I was unable to feel anything. Any emotion Yuvan, except crying. Crying was all I knew but it also started suffocating me. I was numb and lifeless but I wasn't dying, and that was more painful. More painful to think that I degraded my self esteem, my life, my years for a person who wasn't even capable of handling his own problems, who was nothing but an arrogant, manipulative and selfish boy in his teens. And you know what's more of an unworthy fact...it's that whenever the word love comes, I'm only capable of thinking this one thing. One name. You. Yuvan Namgyal. "

A lone tear escaped my eyes. It was now I realized how badly I ruined her.