Transfer to Help Himself

Chapter 11- Feel Better When You Talk? Then Shut Up

The 118 were the ones to take Captain Nash away, mainly because Rescue 126 had to stay in Austin, but also because of how Captain Nash had reacted to seeing Buck and how Buck had reacted. Buck was silent on the ride back to the command centre, even when Athena came up to him to talk. Owen had to explain what happened when they were out, and it took Eddie, Judd and Paul to hold her back. Buck wanted to get away from it all, but they were on the job and in L.A. He couldn't just run to the lake like he normally did. So instead, he found a quiet place away from everyone. He just needed a few minutes. He found a place a few feet away from the command centre and sat down.

He started to think about what Captain Nash said. He couldn't get the conversation out of his head. Was he really a bad luck charm? There was the big house fire when he first started working, then the tornado incident. Maybe he was bad luck. He couldn't bring the 126 to deal with his luck. Captain Nash was right. Buck thought that he could go back to the 118 and deal with the punishments that Captain Nash gave him so the 126 would stay safe. He wasn't worth the headache.

If anyone could find Buck, it was Carlos and TK. They knew Buck liked quiet places after draining days. And after the day they had, they knew Buck would be looking. A few minutes later, they found Buck sitting in an alleyway. He was holding his knees to his chest. TK could tell Buck was in his head and it wasn't good. Buck was breathing fast and rocking himself. They quickly ran over to him and pulled him into themselves. They rocked with him and kept him from doing anything harmful to himself. TK felt helpless. He didn't know how to help Buck. Carlos didn't know how to either. So, they just made a plan with each other. They would try to get Buck to breathe with them and then go from there. Both took Buck's hands and held them, gesturing for Buck to follow their breathing patterns. He tried, but nothing was working. TK had an idea. "Carlos, keep him here. I gotta run back to the truck. I have something that might help him."

"Make it quick, Ty". TK ran and grabbed his phone and headphones. He came back as quick as he could, meaning that he didn't say anything when the rest asked how Buck was. He put the headphones on Buck and selected a playlist him and Carlos had made. Buck started to calm down a little, taking in deep breaths. "That's it. Come back to us Buck". Once they got his breathing under control, Carlos pulled both of them into a hug to give a reassuring pressure to Buck. He noticed that Buck loved affection especially when he needed kindness. Just as he had suspected, Buck sunk into the hug and let out his emotions that he had been holding in. They just sat there with him, letting him let go. There were so many emotions that had been held back since he could remember. Pain, anger, self-hatred, abandonment... He was broken. There was no way he was coming out of this and be perfect again. He just needed to 'suck it up' and stop being exhausting. His team didn't need a weak boy out there who could have a breakdown any minute. They needed a strong man that could hold back his feelings. That's why he didn't make the S.E.A.Ls. He should have learned then that he couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry for being weak," was the only thing Buck said. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. He needed to stop being selfish and making it about him. Captain Nash was just in pain and cranky, that's why he yelled at Buck. That was also why he would be found slapping or hitting Buck whenever Buck messed up. He was just stressed. Buck deserved it anyways. Buck got out of their hold, stood and walked back to the control centre, leaving two shocked men.

TK turned to Carlos with disbelief. Buck had been through a lot. But to say that he was weak and apologise for it? TK couldn't hold back his anger. He needed to punch something or someone. "Ty don't. If you go looking for trouble and get arrested, I won't be the one doing it. Buck needs you. He needs all of us. He just doesn't see it." Carlos backed him down. " 'Los you heard what that son of bitch said to Buck. You heard what Buck said about himself. We can't just let that go. Something needs to be done," TK pressured.

"I know that Ty, but at this point, we can't do anything but be the rocks Buck can count on. It won't help him if any of us got arrested because of that one event".

Back at command, Owen waited for his boys to come back. He was obviously worried about Buck. He wanted to be there for him, to show his support. But he also had a job to do. He told Paul to watch for Buck and Marjan went with him, stating that she 'needs her partner back, one way or another'. He had Judd and Mateo help Athena with some of the survivors of the landslide and flood who hadn't been taken to the hospital yet. Owen wasn't expecting for Buck to come back alone, nor was he expecting for what he would be told.

Buck came back and went to find Captain Strand. He needed to be strong. He couldn't let his team suffer because of his choice to move to Austin. Buck knew what he had to do. "Captain Strand, due to events, I will need to take leave. I don't know if being a firefighter is fit for someone like me". He couldn't look at Captain Strand, knowing that he would be sporting a look of disappointment. So instead, he grabbed his gear from the truck and left. He didn't know where he was going, but he couldn't stay. He didn't deserve the right to.