Transfer to Help Himself

Chapter 20- Feeling so Light, I could Cry

TW// Talks about suicide and depicted self-harm

The waiting room in Dr. Prescott's office is silent, besides the clicking of Jackie's keyboard. Buck was shaking his leg and looking at his phone. He had a few other appointments after his first, but he didn't go too far with telling Dr. Prescott what troubled him. After these last few weeks, Buck needed to talk to her. He couldn't keep pushing everyone away. He had been so distant from everyone, even TK and Carlos, and it hurt Buck to push them away.

A few minutes passed and they were finally called back. Buck went through the motions as he normally did, and they talked for a little before Buck decided to talk about the trial and his parents' visit.

"Buck, tell me what's been really troubling you? I can see that you haven't been sleeping well and you are deflecting my questions about your childhood."

"Dr. Prescott...I...need to get it off my chest. I started going into another rut after we went back to L.A. It was to help with the dam break. We ran into my old captain, and he had said a lot that affected me..."

"Such as what, Buck?"

"Mainly how my team would regret hiring me and how I was nothing but trouble. I ran away from them after we had gone back to the centre we were helping at..."

"Continue."

"I...I tried to...kill myself. I walked into the ocean. The water was cold, very cold. I laid down and let the water run over me."

"And what made you stop?"

"My partners, TK and Carlos; and my best friend's kid, Christopher. I couldn't leave them". Buck grabbed Carlos' hand and lowered his head.

"Do you still feel like you would hurt yourself, Buck?"

"No. That was the only time. But...I have been pushing people away."

"Any reason as to why?"

Buck can do this. Carlos might find out all about his childhood, but he needed to talk. "It was the trial that kind of started it. So many things had been put out there and my sister had taken the verdict badly. She was on his side during the whole thing because she believed I had caused my pulmonary embolism instead of the rod and screws in my leg. She threatened to call my parents...and she did. She told them where I worked, and they found me..."

"Buck, take a deep breath. If you need, we can schedule this for another day, if you are not ready."

Buck shook his head. "No...no I need to talk. I think it would help me stop pushing everyone away. They showed up at the station and started to shout at me for them having to bail my sister out. They said a lot that hurt. But what hurt the most was when they went after TK and made a pass on how I was, 'too sex-driven' and had multiple partners. He dragged me down the stairs and slapped me when I refused to go. And the worst part was, that this wasn't as bad as it could have been. They always hated me, and I found out why three weeks ago. I was just born for spare parts to help the brother, who I never knew I had, that had leukemia. It failed though, and he passed away when I was one. They punished me for the simplest things. Once, they had found me talking to a boy and locked me in my room for three days with barely anything to eat or drink. That was before they found out I liked men. When they found out, they shouted slurs and hit me...if it wasn't for Maddie that night, I don't know what would have happened..."

Dr. Prescott was writing a couple of notes down before putting her book and pen down and looking up at Buck. "Buck, you became closed off after the trial and it got worse after your parents' visit, correct?" Buck nodded. "And this is not the first time you have hit a...rut...correct?"

"Yeah..."

"Other than when you tried to drown yourself, have you had thoughts of harming yourself or anything like that?"

Buck thought of all those times he had struggled to make himself not take all of his medicine that his doctors gave him after the bombing. How he had to force himself to eat after the embolism. The guilt and self-hatred that ate him up after the tsunami. He nodded.

"I am giving you a prescription for Fluoxetine. It is an antidepressant, and it should also help with your panic attacks. You need to take it at least once a day. I also would like you to come to my office once a week. We will get through this 'rut' together. You also need to talk to your partners and your team. Tell them how you are feeling." She handed him a prescription note so he could go get it filled.

"I see here that you are on ADHD medication. If you don't take them together, you should be fine. Now, how does next Wednesday sound?"

"I can do that. Thank you, Dr. Prescott."

Buck and Carlos went to the former's jeep. Buck handed Carlos his keys. "Buck, are you sure? You let no one drive your jeep," Carlos asked. Buck nodded. As soon as both of them got in, Buck started crying. "Hey, tell me what's wrong".

"It's just...I finally talked about the things that haunt me and I...I feel so great. It's taken me a while to realize that it was never my fault, but I had you, TK, and the others to help. I feel lighter. And God is it a good feeling."

Carlos laughed and leaned over. He kissed Buck and put their foreheads together, though the position was a little strange. "I love you, Carlos. Thank you for helping me. You and TK". Carlos stared at Buck and smiled. "Always, Buck. It's the three of us against the world. You can always talk to us. Just how we know we can talk to you. Now, let's get back to Ty. He'll be excited to see us, as he's coming home today."