𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐬. 𝐊𝐧𝐨𝐰-𝐈𝐭-𝐀𝐥𝐥 | South Park x Reader

❝𝐃𝐫𝐮𝐧𝐤 𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞❞

It was... a difficult fight, to say the least.

For some reason Randy seemed to get stronger the more he was drunk. He had gotten considerably stronger since you had last fought him.

The only thing that saved you and your four teammates, since Cartman and Kyle had decided to grace you once again with their presence now, not when they were pointing guns at you, was that he was too drunk to pull up his pants, so he tripped on them quite often, which gave you some time to hit him without fearing him stabbing you with a broken wine glass.

"I'm counting on you, Metis!" You smiled at Captain Diabetes' support and went to kick the man right in the balls, making him fall, then hit him with your staff on the head, trying to not deal long-lasting damage to him.

"Thanks, Cap'n!" You jumped back, at a safe distance from the enemy.

"Oh shit, that looked like it hurt!" Classi exclaimed from the sidelines, to which you smirked.

"That's the point, Classi!"

"Uh! I think my balls just retracted into my abdomen." Randy said, clearly pained. Dovah had just chilled him, so he wasn't doing that good.

"That's... a terrible image you just put into my head. Ew."

He launched himself fast towards Kyle but stopped himself in his track once his phone rang. Taking it out, he looked mildly scared at what he was reading.

"Shit! Shit! Hang on, Sharon's texting me. I can't type! Why the fuck can't I type?! Why are my thumbs so big..." You couldn't help it and laugh at his predicament.

"What the fuck are you laughing at? That's not even funny." Cartman asked you, all the boys looked at you confused.

"Wait for it," your laughter lowered itself to a chuckle, "we won't have to fight him anymore."

"What?" Kyle asked.

"He's gonna put himself into so much shit, he's gonna walk away from here without us doing a thing. Watch him." You crossed your arms and walked away from the man, leaning against a wall.

"You sure?" You nodded, and they all relaxed. Seemed like Kyle trusted you as well this time around, nice.

"Hey, Siri! Fuckin' take a note - tell my wife to fuck off 'cause I'm fightin'. Poop emoji."

"Ooh boy. She's gonna get pissed." You chuckle again. Dovah calmly walked right next to you and leaned against the same wall as you.

"Watch her reply come in 3, 2..." You counted.

Randy started to walk towards his closest target, Cartman, who calmly walked away from him in return.

"1... now." His phone rang again.

"Oh man, she sounds pissed. Which one of you assholes told Sharon I was here? Hold on, hold on... Be... home soon." He texted, swaying from side to side, "Looking for my fucking keys. Heart, heart, X, O. Send." He then drank an entire bottle of red wine in one go and smashed it against the floor.

'That's not gonna avoid his death when he gets home, he knows that, right?' You read Dovah's text and laughed.

"He has nooooo clue." He smiled at that. It was nice seeing him smile every once in a while.

The older man tried to attack one of you again but got stopped by his phone once more.

This time he got scared for real.

"All right, I'm gonna... take a cab... yeah." He gave up.

"There! Nobody drinks and drives on Captain Diabetes' watch!" Scott exclaimed proudly, hands on his hips. You just watched everything with an amused smile.