Amour [h.s]

☼ forty eight ☼

"I've been praying, I never did before"

☼ ☼ ☼

Trigger warning: grief

Harry

My mind is mess.

A huge knot of unprocessed emotions. Too strong for me to control.

I don't think I've truly moved on from when I found Amelie bleeding in the bathroom. My mind is still stuck in that place. Every time I close my eyes, she's doubled over in pain, blood smeared over her thighs and her panicked cries ring in my ear.

And then when I try to take my mind off of that horrific scene I walked into, still half asleep, the next thing my mind moves onto is Amora.

When I sleep, my dreams start off happy, I'm in this little bubble of pure bliss, getting to hold her close, kissing her sweet fingertips, feeling her soft skin on mine. And then something tragic happens. Like a flash of lightning and she's being torn away from me.

My hands lose their grip on her tiny body and I'm left screaming for forgiveness with all the air in my lungs.

So I don't sleep much anymore.

I'd rather be sleep deprived than have to witness that every time I lay my head down to rest.

Yet my body craves rest. I'm itching to just hide under the covers and sleep so I can forget it all. But my mind doesn't let me forget.

I can't just forget. It doesn't work like that.

So my mind remains a mess. Everything in my life is a mess and I don't know how to fix it.

I was supposed to protect Amora, I was supposed to be the one who kept her safe. I was her dad. She was my little girl. I couldn't save her and it's eating me alive.

I couldn't fix Amora.

Bodhi. My little boy who I can't bear to face. He's stuck in a plastic box, too fragile to hold in my arms. And I can't help him. I can't save him from this. I can't make him better.

I can't fix Bodhi.

Amelie. My perfect Amelie. The woman of my dreams. I've broken her heart and I've let her down. I left her to grieve alone. I abandoned her in the NICU to tend to our unwell son.

I'll never forgive myself for that.

Every time I'm alone, I think of the words I'm going to tell her, I have a script planned out in my head of the things I'm going to say to her, everything I'm going to apologise for.

But the words never make it out.

I've hurt her in more ways than I can count. And I'm scared the damage is irreversible.