Amour [h.s]

☼ fifty four ☼

"You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back just like that"

☼ ☼ ☼

Amelie

It had been five whole months since we last held Amora in our arms. I always think the grief gets a little heavier each month that passes, but we just become stronger to carry the load.

It's hard to often get a moment to sit and think about Amora when we've got two very loud boys at home.

Milo's just a few months off turning two. And my heart isn't ready to accept that.

And Bodhi is now five months old, getting bigger by the day. He still resembles a floppy rag doll, unable to hold himself up or hold his arms out. He's quite happy being left alone, which is another thing that raised alarm bells in my head.

A five month old baby should hate being left. But Bodhi doesn't seem to care. We could probably leave him on the play mat for hours and all he'd do is flicker his eyes around the room, trying to find something new and exciting to look at.

I wasn't convinced he was as fine as the doctors had assured us.

Even Harry became worried when he noticed that Bodhi never reached his arms out to grab hold of anything, or anyone. He doesn't wriggle or roll like a normal five month old.

He doesn't make noises or faces.

He's just Bodhi.

And I refuse to lower my voice until we get the answers he deserves. Though there isn't much any doctor could do, especially when he's still so young.

We had also adopted a puppy. Harry's idea, not mine. He thought it would fill the emptiness in our hearts, and it did for a moment. Our cavapoo, Preston, is enough to fill any empty heart, he's a total baby, and Harry makes it worse.

But of course, Preston only feeds into the boys chaos, or should I say Milo's chaos. Bodhi wasn't too phased by our energetic pup.

I now feel slightly outnumbered in our house. I'm surrounded by boys and it has got me wishing for my little girl to be in my arms. But she wasn't in my arms, her urn was in our living room and the most painful parts of my day was waking up to only one of my twins, and only putting one of my twins to sleep at night.