Counting Paths

Chapter 27.

Roland

"What's going on?" Sterling whispers, and I break down. My eyes sting with tears until they fall and roll down my cheeks.

"I can't protect you," I shudder. "Whatever I do, it's nothing fucking enough."

"That's not true-"

"Look what happened with Joe!" I retort. "He hit you in the house you now call home and I...I...I..."

"You nothing, Roland." She takes my left hand, the one I occasionally punch with, the one that has fewer bruises and cuts, and she traces my tattoos with the tip of her finger. "I don't blame you for what happened-"

"You should. I should've known he felt some resentment towards you." I scoff and softly sway my head from side to side. "That fucking asshole...He said he hated you because of what you were doing to me. But I know he was just mad because I said no to throwing a party."

She's quiet for a long moment, she's stopped tracing my ink. I'm too scared to look at her. "For Mother's Day, my mom's friend gave her a canvas with pictures of my mother and her children. One day, after Shan and I got into an argument, he took a sharpie and drew a black eye on my picture."

I feel my body entire stiffen with rage, I have to pull my hand away from hers to keep myself from squeezing her too tightly. "Why are you telling me this?" I demand to know in a lowered voice.

I look at her as she lifts her head. We lock eyes and she smiles sadly. "Because he constantly made me feel unsafe and my mother never once made me feel safe. I'm telling you this because after what happened with that guy...with Joe, I just wanted you there. You and my brother are the only ones that can make me feel safe. I trust you with my life, Roland, and it's for good reason too. Please don't...don't think you can't protect me."

"What about Kevin and Russell?" I ask out of Curiosity.

"I like them. They're very important to me. But they're not you. Take now for an example, you're so scared of me getting hurt, you're beating yourself up over it. My own mother didn't even care about me hurting myself." A sudden tear pours out of her eye. I reach out and wipe her cheek with my thumb. When I start to pull my hand away, she grabs it and looks at some of the cuts I couldn't cover up. "You hurt Joe, didn't you?"

"If I can't hurt Arleen or Shan, then I'm sure as hell going to beat the shit out of anyone else stupid enough to actually try something."

She laughs softly. "And you were worried about not protecting me, huh?"

I grimace. "Sterling, someone somewhat powerful threatened you-"

"I don't care." She lifts her head and stares into my eyes again. I notice in this lighting, her brown eye has a splash of gray. "Trust yourself, Roland. Not with just me either, trust yourself with yourself and with Lisi and with Luna."

I nod. "Okay."

She smiles. "Okay?"

"Yeah."

"Great!" She jumps off the log. "Let's go find our Moose!"

Using the inside of my shirt, I wipe my cheeks dry. I stand and-

"Roland?" Sterling whispers in a shaking voice.

I notice she's already walked fifteen or twenty feet ahead of me, but she's dead still now, staring at something up ahead.

"What is it?"

I take one step, crushing the ground underneath me, and she hisses, "don't move!"

"What are you-" Then I spot the fully grown mountain lion less than ten feet in front of Sterling emerging from the small patch of tall grass. It stops, the back of half of it still hidden in the grass, and sits, staring directly at me. "Do not move," I order her. "Don't crouch down or bend over...just slowly move towards me."