Counting Paths

Chapter 31.

Roland

A few days later...
"Are you sure you don't want me to give you any money?" I ask Kevin as I play with the beer bottle in my trembling hands. I shouldn't be, but I'm nervous. Admittedly, It's been a while since I last saw Sterling in person-I mean, we FaceTime and she tells me everything, but the first time I come to the house to surprise her, she's going on a date with Kevin. Fucking great.

But I think the worse part about everything is I never know how to truly feel. When I'm with Lisi, I'm happy. I'm bonding with my son and he looks at me like I'm his hero-next to his mother, of course. But in the back of my head, I'm scared of what Sterling might be going through. Is she truly happy? Is she sleeping at night? Does she have trouble getting out of bed? Is she eating? Is she overeating? Does she take long showers because she had a long day or because she's trying to escape the world? Does she still want to live?

But now that I'm here, with Sterling and away from Lisi, I'm scared Lisi will think I don't love him. I tried explaining to him that Sterling doesn't really have anyone, but he just nodded his head and gave me the same look Sterling gave me when I left last week. A look of disappointment.

I never fucking win. I can never do something without hurting someone I love.

Kinda makes me miss the days when I didn't give a fuck about anyone but myself.

In another life, my kids love each other.

Russell finishes his third slice of pizza and tosses the crest at Moose. She catches it in her mouth happily.

"I'm good," Kevin tells me. "I still think we should go another night."

"No, it's-"

"I'm ready!" Sterling skips into the kitchen, then does a little pose to show off her new navy green, jumpsuit-like romper. It's new. Her romper is new, her platforms are new, and her haircut is new. And it's new to me. She gasps loudly when she sees me. "Roland!" I put my beer down before she runs over and jumps on me, almost knocking me off the stool. "You're here! Oh my gods, you're here!"

"I'm here," I laugh at her reaction. "What happened to your hair?"

"You like it?!" She pulls away from me and pushes her hair to the front. The top of her hair, the first few layers have been cut a little past chin-length, but the rest is still at its original full length. "It's called a jellyfish cut. Russell and I did it here with a pair of office scissors. We're going to dye it next week!"

"I like it." I tuck her hair behind her ears and smile at her. "I've missed you."

Her face brightens. "I miss you too."

"What color are you gonna dye it?"

"I'm going to do one side purple and the other side white."

"What?" My smile falters as I glance at the two guys who apparently agreed to this.

"I want to do it!" Sterling pouts. "Please?"

"Yeah," I sigh. I've always known Sterling's had a colorful spirit and, after painting the walls of her bedroom multiple colors, which she spent an hour showing me on FaceTime, I should've seen this coming. "Fine. I can't wait to see how it turns out."