Counting Paths

Chapter 29.

Out of two pies of pizza, Luna and Lisi only eat half a pie. Sterling and I handled the rest effortlessly. She was right, we do eat a lot. After we ate, Luna pointed out that it was too late to drive home and suggested Sterling and I spend the night. No one disagreed with the idea. But no one was tired so Luna put a white sheet on the wall hung up by two hooks and finished out a projector from a drawer. She hooked up her phone to it and asked the kids what they wanted to watch. In less than a minute, they agree on the movie Wall-E.

Another movie that almost made me cry. Sterling noticed, but she only smiled and rested her head on my shoulder.

At the end of the movie, Lisi sits up in bed and asks, "who wants to play bucket of fears?"

"What's that?" Sterling and I ask in unison.

"It's getting late," Luna says. "Maybe tomorrow, honey."

"But I got out of the hospital today," he says. "It only seems right to do it tonight."

"Okay, okay." She gets up from her seat and walks to the bathroom. A quick second later, she walks out with a tin bucket. She grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, takes down a pad of sticky notes from the freezer door, and fishes out a lighter from a drawer.

"What's bucket of fears and how do you play?" Sterling asks.

"It's not exactly a game," Lisi says. "You write down a fear, a true fear, then you burn it in the bucket."

"What do you mean a true fear?"

"A true fear like...'I'm scared that one day I'll wake up regretting the last year of my life,' something in that sense."

Crap.

"Okay!" Sterling says excitedly.

Sterling and Lisi sit on either opposite ends of the bed facing each other, and Luna and I sit on the edge. We take ten minutes to write something down, then Luna starts a fire in the bucket in the middle of our little circle.

Lisi clears his throat before speaking. "Okay, I'll go first." He unfolds his piece of paper and reads out loud, "'I'm afraid I develop too many feelings too fast.'" Then he tosses his fear into the flames.

"Wait, we have to read them out loud?" I ask.

He nods. "Yup."

"My turn." Sterling peers down at her paper. "'I'm afraid my brother will be disappointed if he saw me right now.'"

Wait...what? "Sterling..." I whisper. But she shakes her head and drops her paper in the bucket.

What the hell does that mean? Is she still depressed? Does she think her brother would disapprove of her being with me?

An awkward silence fills the space between us as I stare at Sterling stare at her lap.

"I, um-" Luna coughs. "'I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions and hurting the people I care about.'"

More silence.

"Roland?" Lisi whispers.

But I can't stop looking at Sterling. Has she felt this way this entire time?

Lisi grows either too annoyed or impatient and takes my paper. He clears his throat. "'I'm scared the people here won't ever fully c-c-comprehend how much they mean to me.' Wait, does that include me?"

I force myself to look at him. "Yes." Sterling shoots her shot. She slips off the bed and tries to run for the bathroom but I catch her arm before she can get too far. "Ster-"

"Let me go!"

"What's wrong?"

She talks to my chest. "Please? Not now."