Afterglow ❃ l.m.j

• chapter eighteen •

I laid on my white fur rug that spanned my living room as I waited for Lottie to join the call. My tongue was itching to spill all the words that spent all week threatening to come out. I've never been so relieved to see her blonde hair appear on the screen. Her eyes were drawn together as she stared closely at something beside the camera. When she realized that the call loaded, she grinned sheepishly.

"I'm sorry, hi, give me one second. I think I see a ladybug and I just..." She inched closer. "Want to get her somewhere safer before my cats find her. You know their primal instinct is to eat bugs."

I grinned. "Actually, I did not know that, so thank you."

"Oh, yeah." She muttered. I heard a light tap against a desk. She pulled back with a piece of paper and a small jar, ladybug in tow. She moved to put it outside as she spoke. "If you have an issue with flies or vermin of any kind, cats will actually catch them for you, similar to how they do mice. It's both disgusting and lifesaving."

"That's kinda gross. But also sweet of them?"

"Well, it's definitely not the most attractive thing." When she finally sat down, her eyes lit up. "So! Aside from that, happy Tuesday! It's so good to see you, how was the holidays, how has your week been?"

With a deep breath, I began to push my pride aside and explain it all. I talked about the holidays, I talked about Normani, Cherry, even my mom and the conversation I had with her last night. When my rant was done, Lottie sat back with an expression akin to disbelief.

"Wow. Well, for starters, I'm very sorry that this is all going on. No one deserves to have their property destroyed or to be outed. Your privacy is just as important as anyone else's in that club and what that person did was a huge violation of that... Before I continue, I want to make space for any other feelings you may have around the subject."

I picked at one of the threads on the rug. I was now sitting criss cross applesauce, a position I assumed midway through my earlier rant.

"I don't know. I'm used to people treating me like I'm some alien. Especially past partners. Girls who were perfectly fine with me until they saw what was underneath and then went gossiping to their friends - which then lead to me being solicited by chasers, and it just made the whole experience uncomfortable for me. It's hard to love a body that people only have interest in using you for." The therapist nodded, urging me to continue. "I'm sorry, I got sidetracked. Um... Yeah. I just feel really hurt about what Cherry did, especially because it's something I wouldn't ever do, even if I didn't like her. She broadcasted something private about me to anyone suspecting. Not to mention how much money I put into that car. Who knows who knows now? I've put blood, sweat, and tears into making that place a safe space for myself. I still can't even spend a night without checking my tuck and I've been there for at least three years! I - I just can't get over this like it's nothing, I don't even know how I'm supposed to come back from it."

The older woman paused. "May I ask a question?"

I looked into the camera with an unsure nod. I'm sure the vulnerability was written all over my face. "Yeah, of course."

"Who are you truly afraid of knowing this about you, and why? What scares you about them knowing?" When I didn't answer, Lottie pressed on. "I see that you mentioned some weariness, right, surrounding the hidden intentions that people may have once they find out about who you are. But I'd also like to point out how different the stakes are now versus then. As you've said before, you've made strides in curating this safe space for yourself. And showing up as you are in a sex positive space where the point is to illicit fantasies and show who you can't be outside those doors aligns with that. If you can detach from Lauren, to Peaches, what also stops you from letting those experiences stay outside of Heaven's Door with Lauren? And who is it that you're so afraid of finding out?"