Afterglow ❃ l.m.j

• chapter thirty five •

The house hustled and bustled with bodies later that night, and it felt like the entire bloodline manifested under one roof. Between kids screaming and crying, strings of Spanish, and bodies pushing past with hugs and presents, my head was fucking spinning. I held tightly to my phone and the two large bowls of Tupperware my mom tasked me with as I squeezed through a group of my nephews.

"Hi, Nino!" I smiled, stepping over one of his blocks that separated me and the kitchen. My aunt's house was huge, and yet, still didn't feel big enough for all of us. The feat of putting the food away was enough for me to feel tired from.

As soon as I got in as many hellos as humanly possible, I nestled myself into a seat in the living room. If I was lucky, I could get a nice fifteen minutes to myself before someone remembered I existed. All of the noise was just too much for my brain.

I checked my phone. Stef and Rosé were at their own respective Christmas parties, but they both made sure to send thank you messages. Their presents finally got to their house and they were over the moon. Rosé sent a picture of her wearing the boots I bought her, and Stef sent a picture posing with her new pink purse. I grinned, sending back heartfelt messages to them both. Christmas was so special because it combined my love for gift giving and shopping, and everyone was in a great mood to receive it. I was about to tuck my phone back into my pocket when my phone buzzed.

I couldn't help but beam at the message.

Happy holidays.

She always knew how to put a smile on my face, even with the simplest of words. Or maybe that was just my own feelings talking. I thought back to the last time I seen her on FaceTime, with her hair done and her tank top. Her smile radiant, even through a camera. My heart stuttered and fluttered in my chest. I tried to hide the way cloud nine felt so close to me.

"Ooh, what are we smiling at, is it a boy?" My cousin Isabel giggled, sliding into the seat next to me. She was close enough to see my phone if my brightness wasn't low.

I tried to maintain the smile on my face despite the lack of privacy.

"No. And hello to you too, Izzy, Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas! The tree is full this year, I wouldn't be surprised if half of those gifts came from you." She toasted her glass of champagne to me before taking a bold sip. One year when I first started stripping, I went all out for my family on Christmas. The car was so full of gifts to bring to Aunt Betty's, my siblings were tripping on them just to get out of the car. I will never forget the way my mother threatened to never drive me with them again if I ever did something like that, calling me the budget Santa Claus in tandem. Alex and Taylor didn't let that go for months.

I grinned sheepishly. "No, I went light this year. Decided to save for a rainy day."

Isabel hummed. "Well, that's nice, good of you to set boundaries. I brought my boyfriend Anthony tonight and he got me the prettiest necklace. Have you seen it?"

I shook my head no. If there was one thing about Isabel, love remained on her mind the way people contemplated walking. There wasn't a single holiday that didn't revolve around a person or the hopes of getting one. It wasn't shallow but it wasn't the best conversation keeper either. Not everyone felt up for a Ted talk on romance during the holidays.

But lucky for me, romance or not, I had something to hold close to my chest this year. And she was holding promises of amazing sex once all of the holidays were through.

Izzy leaned forward, pulling a necklace from underneath her shirt. In the overhead light, a pendant of a gold four leaf clover glistened.

"Get it? Because he's Irish and says I'm his good luck charm." She beamed. "I can't believe it's been over a year with him already. He makes me so happy. It's worth it, you know? All the stories of girls getting swept off their feet and I never thought it would happen to me."

I nodded along. At some point, I looked at my phone to preview the message again.

Happy holidays.

I wonder what she was doing right now. What presents did she get? How did she wear her hair today, is she happy with what she got? Is she itching to come home and see me the way I am to see her?

God, do I look desperate? Is it bad to wonder and feel this way about somebody? It's been so long I can't tell if I'm in over my head or doing just alright. Maybe I should slow down, I mean it hasn't even been that long that I've known her. I don't even know if I certifiably like her. All I know is that I feel giddy and sweet whenever she's around, and the sex is great, and I feel heard, and her social battery doesn't tire me out. And that's gotta count for something, right? It's all crush worthy.

God, having a crush as an adult is hard. How do I know what's too little or too much? What's the line that tells me I'm taking it too far? How do I even begin to define that line after all that's happened between us?

Surely we've skipped a few steps in a traditional relationship. I'm sure sex and dates come last. If you can even call us going to get breakfast together that one time a date.

Wait, was it a date?

Fuck, now I can't even think straight. What if that was her attempt at asking me a date and I just completely blew her off?

I mean, to be fair, she has tried asking me out before. Like that time at the club, I think. I remember saying something to her about me not fraternizing with clientele outside of the club. And weeks later, I end up fucking her, the club bartender, at Ally's house. Isn't it funny how life works?

I smiled to myself incredulously, tuning back into my surroundings. I couldn't help the slight surprise that shook my face at the revelation that Izzy was still talking - and probably has been this entire time.

"I just really hope we get married and have kids. That'd be a dream. Having my own kids running around here at the family parties!" She sighed happily. "What about you? Dating anyone special?"

I had enough daydreams and memories of her to last me a lifetime. I grinned, thinking of her at Ally's party. The way she stood in front of me sipping her wine, looking at me like I'm the only one who could paint the night sky. Telling me that I'm the only one that can get her attention and keep it in a room. The butterflies in my stomach were dancing at the thought. This was truly getting ridiculous. She's right, I do get worked up over memories. I shook my head to rid myself of the thoughts. I cleared my throat.

"Um, no." I gave my cousin a tight lipped smile. "I'm single."

She pouted. "That sucks. It's so great being in a relationship. I think everyone deserves love." She sighed. "Once you have it, you just can't let it go. That's how I felt after I met Anthony. He's the love of my life, I'm convinced."

I'm sure we were there forever, talking back and forth about her boyfriend. In my mind, I was autofilling all of my stories about being single with Normani's name. I wonder what it'd be like to actually be with her? To say she was mine and have the dates and the commitment? And why did it all seem so close, yet so far away?

I don't know. All I know is that this week wasn't the same without her around.

I opened my phone, finally deciding to send a text back to her.

Merry Christmas.