Minds Eye

My Life: A snippet

(Terribly sorry if this chapter is all over the place. This is sorta like a recap.)

For those who have read "Personal Freedom", you know I've been going through many very different things. I've been pushing myself extremely hard to attempt to be someone I am not. I've forced myself to pretend that I can handle everything when the truth is I can't. I've shrugged off my unresolved issues from the past and allowed them to pile on top of those I've encountered in the past few months.

In the past year, I've had completely new experiences thrown at me from multiple directions. I've fallen in love twice. I've dedicated myself to my writing. I've had to deal with self-harming. I've had to finally analyze my suicidal past, and ask myself why. I've had to really that not everyone is my friend. I've had loneliness shoved in my face along with the fact that being alone is my worst fear. I've had to learn that sometimes, love is just not enough for everyone; sometimes it doesn't even matter to some. I've had to deal with tremendous heartbreak, and learn how to move on at my own pace. I've had to learn that it's not at all healthy for me to dwell on my past relationships because they ARE over no matter what I dreamed. I've had to deal with death more than I cared to. I've had to realize that not everyone I love is going to love me. I'm still learning that no matter what happens to me, no matter how hard it is, I still have to go on and I have to learn to love myself before anyone else.

It hasn't been easy for me at all. Given my history with sever depression and attempts of suicide, I've been trying not to return to that place. Most of the things I've mentioned relate to my abandoned issues and my willingness to obey the expectations others have for me. To be strong, to be unfazed, to never hurt or show hurt, to never shatter like Cristal.

I've kept in the majority of my feelings, only ever showing fits of anger after I've been wounded; which has been proven to be destructive.

Many of my insecurities grew bigger pettees when I fell in love. I began to really feel like my there was something wrong with my body. The shape, the feel, the reactions all made me feel like a freak and an outsider. I felt fat and unworthy of being touched. I often wondered why so much of weather or not I felt beautiful relied on if someone was attracted to me, or if they touched me.

I also became so consumed with what Love#1/Love#2 wanted that I often forgot what I wanted. All I wanted to do was pleas them and keep them happy, I never realized that it wasn't working. I wasn't happy, and I felt like I was the only one truly trying. It may seem selfish but I don't care, that's how I felt and no one truly tried to help it. I felt like I was the only one sacrificing and I felt like Love#1/Love#2 thought that was ok for me to do as a way of punishment.

I've had to figure out a way of getting over Love#2. I decided when I wrote "Soul Tie" in "Personal Freedom" that it was time for me to finally let her go. It made me feel pathetic for still loving her and still wanting her after everything. Especially, after I had contemplated suicide (yet again). I felt weak and stupid for feeling that I didn't want to live anymore over someone who was completely moved on from me. I felt sick. So, I cut myself off. No more looking at her pictures. No more looking at emails and video. No more song recordings. No more re-reading our old texts. So I deleted them all because sadly, they were making me want to just kill myself. It's only been a few weeks since I've decided, and I know in order to fully let go, I have to stick with it because I still want to live and find love. I was always at this two way street with her. Do I fight for who I love or do I let her go and see if she comes back on her own, somewhere along the line I just got tired of fighting and waiting on her to come back.

Coming to terms with the fact that on my journey to self love, I will encounter roadblocks made me realize some things. I'm not like the people in my family. I have an entirely different view of where I want to be in 10 years. They see me as a "classy writer", married to a man and living close to home. I see myself as a writer who is not afraid to write about sex and thing that are controversial. I wanna travel with my wife (and maybe even her lover or mine). I want to live in another country and experience culture and know the world. I wanna settle on a commute and live the hippie life man! I want to be free!!

I want to write. My style is constantly changing. I've become a better poet by teeming with Forward Arts BR and joining slam camp (writing workshop). They have helped me become a better writer and truly get a better understanding of the world around me. I've totally come out of there a different person every time I leave. I feel better about myself who I am because of the experience.

At times I feel completely selfish. Love#1 has been there for me in everything and still continues to be understanding and there for me all the time. I feel selfish because sometimes I'm not mental present or able to give him the things he wants. I try to put myself first, but at the same time I want him to be happy. It's hard to be his friend given our history but I love him and have no wish to not be friends with him. I find it surprising that we get along and communicate so well even though he is my ex, but I'm also grateful that he stayed with me when I needed him.

I've been told that my poly lifestyle is just a joke. That it's impossible for me to love the way I'd like to. I feel like closed minded people make the world suck. Like they just aren't willing to see the world in a different light other that what they've been tought. I hate it when people tell me that my love for someone doesn't count. Like I can't love because my kind of love doesn't exist. It really pisses me off but at the same time I have to realize that this is what society taught them and this is all they are willing to be taught.

This is just a snippet of the things that will be talked about here.

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