Minds Eye

I Don't Really Know

A few months ago (March 26th), before I saw the "big picture", I had a moment in front of a group of people. I was at the last Fresh Heat of the season, Love#2 was there. At the time my heartbreak was still fresh and the pain still new and unmanageable. I cried, more like sobbed, in front of strangers about five times. I told one of them the gist of my whole past with Love#2 and and screamed "I love Her!" when she tried to council me back to sanity.
I was so fucking embarrassed by the time the night ended. I had never in my life done something like that. I had never in my life felt so incredibly pathetic and sad. That night, I did the only thing I knew would help ease some of my pain. Afterward, I felt so helplessly in love with a girl who didn't want me. That night I wanted to die. More than anything else in the world, more than any other time in my life, I wanted to crawl into the tightest hole and die.
Today, I woke up around 4 a.m. thinking of her. I'm not sure why, but I've been dreaming of her a lot lately.
Today was also the first day of Slam Camp (poetry workshop). I met up with some friends and like most of the time we end up talking about our love-life. Some how, I was asked if given the chance, would I want to be in a relationship with her again?
At the time I wasn't sure how to answer. I had never really thought about it as a possibility. To me, our relationship was just an very intense time in my life. I don't know if we can be in an actual relationship. One where we work on communicating, have respect for one another, act like a normal couple.
Long story short I didn't answer, and I'm not going to now either because I don't know. Both of us were in very troubling times in our lives and our relationship became something very unhealthy. Now, I am working on myself so one day I can be in a healthy relationship.
I started thinking of the things I know I need from my partner. And yes, most of these things are things I didn't feel I had with her regardless if she tried to give them.
1.) I need communication, and now I have reached a point where I know how to give it. I'm not saying she was alone. I take half of that responsibility and claim my mistake. I did not communicate well in that relationship.

2.) Sexual chemistry. I need to know that my partner finds me attractive. I need to know that they appreciate my body. That they find it sexy, think it's more than beautiful. I liked to be touched just as much as I like to touch. Touching is a norm for me, so not being touched makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. LIke they don't think I'm beautiful.

3.) I need to know that we have a free and open space to confess our feelings no matter what they are. I don't care what it is, I want to be able to share it with the person I love.

4.) I need to be able to bend the rules of monogamous-norms and hetero-norms. I am not monogamous (but if I choose to be I can. Making me do something I don't want is tyerany), and I am not a herterosexual.
At this point in my life, I am more attracted to the more feminine side of people (meaning those who are more feminine and identify as female).

5.) Emotional support. I need to know that my partner is there for me, no matter what the problem is.

These five things are what I need from a partner. I will, when the time comes, ask my partner what they need and want from me. I will then try my best to provide them with the things they want or need to the best of my ability. If there is anything that I feel I may not be able to provide, we will talk about it. Hints communicating.
While I am not ready to have an answer for the earlier question, I will say this. If these things were presented to me, it would become more of a possibility. I would see that she herself has chosen to work on her own personal issues. I still feel that my journey is a process that I have yet to finnish. I am not sure if I'm ready for a relationship at the moment. I still feel scraped raw from my last relationship.
I'm not exactly sure where I am actually.