Minds Eye

Moving On Sucks

I'm single, and so is Love#1. We've both agreed to be friends and we've been working to keep up boundaries and show mutual respect for one another.
It's hard. So incredibly hard, especially because I love him so incredibly. I've realized that in a way I haven't given myself a chance to get over him. I sometimes find myself wanting to be more involved with him. I feel the spark from our previous relationship and I wonder what it means.
In some situations I want to experience certain life altering things with him, some important and happy moments with him. Although, because of our relationship and the boundaries, I've set myself aside. It so maddening. I get angry that I can't do these things with him. It feels somehow against my norms. Like it just isn't right somehow.
I tell myself that it's none of my business. The things he does and who he does it with is none of my concern. I get angry when I feel anything close to how I use to feel. It's like I see myself running backwards into that place I was before. When I cared so much about everything and not a bit about myself. Thats how I feel when I'm around him. Stuck in the past, never moving forward. No surprises.
But I can never figure out what it means.
I get so confused about everything. He's so comfortable and it's easy being with him, even as friends. He's familiar and safe. He's so good to me, and I never feel like I've done enough to make him happy.
Sometimes I tell myself that it's just that we want different things. I want a poly future and he doesn't. I feel sometimes that I'm going through the same things I did with Love#2, just with more understanding, and more acceptance, and more respect, and more communication, and more everything.
I ask myself all the time, "if he's so good, why not be with him," why not give it all up for him... again.
I think that I'd rather not be with him than be the cause of all his pain, again. I remember what it was like for him, and for her. I still want to take a chance and experience more before I decide to let go of my dreams simply because it's expected of me to do so.
That is one of my major issues with both Loves. It's was expected of me to give up everything. I was expected to love them more than myself, and to be honest I did and I didn't like it. It wasn't the fairy tail everyone says it is.
You fall in love with someone and you are instantly expected to be willing to let go of yourself, set aside your happiness, forget yourself, put all of your love into them and leave none for yourself because their love is suppose to sustain you.
Is it possible that doing this didn't feel right to me?
It didn't feel STRONG to me. Still I have issues with that word, but that is how I felt.
I just felt trapped by the both of them. I wanted freedom. It seemed like their monogamy was choking the life right out of me. I was exhausted and bored. It sounds harsh as hell, but I was. It was all the trying. The pleading. All in all I felt like an outcast for even thinking differently or wanting something different. I want to be able to make my own rules in my relationship.
When I saw all of the hurt I had caused I felt disgusted with myself and all of my dreams. Like the freedom I was trying to give myself was being ripped away by monogamy normality.
I still feel this way. Along with feeling ungrateful. I want to give him the things he wants because he deserves them, I just don't know how to do it and make myself happy as well.

........
it's been a poop day. but I'm trying. I try to hard and I feel like I'm just forcing myself to be happy. I just want to take a brake. I'm trying to "become one with my body and soul" or "centered". think ima start yoga