Minds Eye

Enlightenment

What is torture?
I'm pretty sure I've caught the gist of the definition from the leftovers of life.
Torture, I believe, goes hand and hand with insanity.
Torture: the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain.
synonyms: infliction of pain, abuse, ill-treatment, maltreatment, persecution; sadism
"acts of torture".

Insanity as best fit for this topic: (of an action or policy) extremely foolish; irrational or illogical.

I torture myself every day. I punish myself for thinking of the past, and the pain follows me like a lost puppy. I take it home with me, feed it, do everything one does for strays, and after a while it never leaves. It sticks to my side, stitches itself onto my skin.
I punish myself when I think of my mother. I wonder why I always forgive her for the things she's said or done. I think sometimes that it maybe because of the whole mother daughter bond (if that even exists with us). I feel that she is the root of most of my problems, and I set out to make myself feel worse because I have allowed her to take hold of me. I have allowed her to use me as prey to feed from.
I punish myself when I think of Love#1 and how I pretty much fucked up one of the most amazing guy I've ever met in my life. I think of how stupid it was of me to ask so much of him. I think of how selfish it was to expect him to just mold himself into a whole other person to fit my needs. When I think of him, I feel a tidal wave of regret. Of all of the mistakes I've made with him and how I pretty much ruined him completely. I know for sure, this n is what makes me a bad person.
I torture myself every hour when I think of Love#2. I think I'm stupid for loving her. I think I'm stupid for trying to force myself to forget, but for everyone out there in the world who has ever felt the things I've felt... you know completely the kind of raw pain it is to let go of someone who still has your heart. It feels like drowning, over and over and over and over again. It feels like life is just, not even worth it anymore.
I torture myself when I dream of the person I wish to become. I have started my journey to become one whole piece of myself and not a whole big pile of broken flesh. I want to be centered, to be whole like I never was. I see who I use to be and I don't like the picture. I want to reinvent my soul. While I've been trying and striving to become more enlightened and peaceful, I find it hard when most of my heart is missing. I feel that I lost a great chunk of it by falling in love. I'm trying to grow it back. It's a slow process and most of the time leaves me feeling insane and sluggish. I feel like it's crazy of my to even try to grow back my love. I feel inpatient most of the time. Mainly because of the number of stories I've heard about how freeing and amazing it is to just life a stress free lifestyle. Which is exactly what I want. I know these things take time, but I want it so badly, and with (yet again) so much of me.
I often wondered, however, if I am truly trying to find peace or am I trying to escape my problems. Am I just trying to feel better for a while and then go back to the old me? I truly hope not, that is my whole point in writing this, to show progress to myself, to see where I was and where I am now.
I truly wish other could see how I am now. Just catch a glimpse of who I am now. I know for a fact I'm not finished in finding myself. I am not finished with my journey either. It will happen I know for sure, but my irregular pains surprise me everyday. They show up when I am least expecting them.
My goal is to be who I am and not fear so much of the past. I don't want to necessarily forget it but I want to get into a comfortable position with it. So, at least it doesn't bother or affect me as much.
What are your enlightenment goals?

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12:59 on the dot. I need to start sleeping on a sceduale bc I swear my sleep patterns are as sensitive as a newborn.