Ginger

18

The sunlight dries the tears that flow on the skin, but it can't describe my depth; It can't touch the room of my inside that is so wet and mold is beginning to bloom on its walls.
So I have decided that every day I will be the one to dry the tears flowing from my eyes.

This morning I woke up with the weight of an entire sky on my back, and when I opened my eyes, I realized that there were only two arms that had squeezed me hard. The coldness that I had felt the night before from the hands that forcefully dragged the clothes off my body, were replaced by the delicate rhythm of the breath that touched my hair. His big fingers played games with my hair all night.
Even though I closed my eyes, I couldn't embrace the darkness.

Jay's arms wrapped around my waist and he buried his head in my hair. It is difficult to describe what I felt for him in those moments. Or what I feel for him in these moments.
I felt my hair wetter than before and the bed, on which I had thrown my empty body, began to shake slightly.

Never, since his teenage years, had Jay had a tear in his eye. He had created this image of a dark, strong man, who had everything figured out. Tears were the last thing you expect to see from him.
To the world he was gray, merciless to those who touched the things he loved. While for me and the people who knew him, he always was the light, the hand that was always there.
But that was back then.

I closed my eyes tightly and then tried to control my breathing. I pretended to fall asleep, because that way I wouldn't have to show my feelings, I wouldn't have to explain the mess and this abyss that I had created with myself.
An abyss in which I wanted to drow myself. Deep.
Maybe that's the only way no one else would get hurt because of me.

I squeezed my hand tightly and then removed it from my stomach. I touched his warm and big hand. He was still shaking, but at that moment he reacted and squeezed my hand even harder.

I hate myself.
I hated it then and I still hate it now.
I don't know if it's because I feel dirty, violated and touched in all parts of my body. Or because I'm pitifully desperated for someone to protect and love me.
All this time I have lived in a bubble. I hoped, or maybe I lied to myself. Probably he was a good liar, good enough to fool me for a long time. All this time I wanted to believe that someone felt for me the same thing that I felt for him.

I would be lying if I said that I no longer hope. But now I want to open new chapters, to be someone else. I look into the mirror I have in front of me and toss my hair to one side. Of course, not a different me physically, but a stronger me emotionally.

I get up and release the breath I was holding as I put my shaking hand on the door handle.
My heart shrived as I took my first steps behind that door.
Walking through those corridors today, they seemed darker than ever, even though the day had only started a few hours ago. I couldn't help, but feel the presence of some new and unfamiliar faces.

They stood at a distance from each other, straight and frozen, as if they were statues. My eyes fluttered a few times, but I kept walking. Not much later, a male figure, whom I finally recognized, passes in front of me. Adam, a person that Jay trusted to be his right hand, smiled in my direction and nodded. His smile, clothed with a hint of sadness, or mercy.
I tried to return the gesture, but my lips were so heavy that I couldn't even manage a fake smile.

After Adam was gone, several meters away from me, I continued to walk until I stepped into the garden.
I wanted to sit there and get some air, looking at the sky that had a new light today. But I felt my legs not strong enough to keep walking, as I saw Jay's figure, with his back turned while sitting on the grass.

In his hands a small pad. He was doing something on it, but I couldn't see what. Maybe he was drawing, something he often does when he wants to keep his thoughts together.

He moved his head slightly and put his hands through his hair. It looked like his hair was even messier than before. On his body he still had the white shirt from last night, from his appearance it seems as if it had neither been changed nor washed.

My legs didn't make any move. Nor did I breath. I didn't know if I should stay or run away. Because sometimes I want to run, far, alone. Somewhere where my heart doesn't burn as if I had put a fire next to it.

I move a step back, but he turns his head and our eyes meet. Something unknown hits me in the stomach. It feels like it's the first time I see him and the words choke in my throat. I can't find any words to say.
He is silent for a moment, as if the words are choked in his throat as well. But in the next moment, he quickly gets up and closes the pad he had in his hands with the same speed.

"How are you?" His voice trembles. His eyes are fixed on the ground and his voice becomes quieter and steady.
"Do you need anything? If you need anything, tell me. Maybe you need..."
"No" I stop him.
My hands still shaking as I tucked my hair behind my ears and breathed, "I'm fine. I don't need anything. " I say.

Silence again.

"I thought you wanted to be alone a little more, thats why I left the room." He explains.
"Tomorrow is the dance competition," I say, "I have to get ready."
"You don't have to go if you want. You know if I can make some interventions they can postpone it and..."

"No, I totally don't want you to do that," this is something of mine, something I've been working and dreaming of achieving for a very long time. "I want to do this myself. "
The power of Jay and his family in this city is indisputable, but I don't want people's fingers to be pointed at me and say that I used my husband's power to get where I am.

He nods and stares at me. He studies my face and his eyes travel down to my neck. His eyes softened. It creates an immediate riot in my blood, and I instinctively put my hand on the marks that the makeup had failed to cover completely.
"I-" He swallowed.
"I'm sorry," he softly whispered, hesitating for a moment, but then turning his eyes away.

I bite my lip as I remember all the times he apologized the night before.
I can't help myself, but remember the hands that traveled through my body. I wanted to let my tears fall.
It was more like I wanted to take out the anger I had on myself than on him.

"You say sorry, like you mean it," I almost screamed, and finally a tear escapes my eye.
Jay leans back, just a little.
I can't breath, but I somehow manage to speak, "and then you go and make me feel like I used to feel. "
I point my finger on him. I don't know what I'm doing, but it feels strangely good.

"You make me feel confused, " my voice is almost lost, "and I hate this feeling so much. "

"Kata," my name comes out of his mouth sharp and his blue eyes staring intensely. He says my name.
I can feel his breathing getting heavier as he gets closer. He never says my name.
"I just don't want to hurt you."

My hands are still shaking and he tries to touch me, but I can't control the tears that threaten to fall. "It makes me powerless to you."

"Your actions confuse me, your touch confuse me," I  break down. I sit down on my knees and fold my hands over them,
"not in a good way. Because it makes me believe in you."
He hugs me. 
So hard that I can feel his heart next to mine.
It's beating like a bomb.

"I'm here this time," the warmth coming from his body invaded mine.
"Take it all out on me. Hit me. Swear at me. Say it's my fault." He cries with me.
"Punish me."

"You're still hurting me." I say.
"I know, " he says.
"Please stop it," I beg. He breaths and I register the slight movement in the air between us.
"I promise I will. " He kissed me on the forehead and time stops. Together with it my heart.
How much did I missed this.

I hug him back.
"I'm not forgiving you."

HI ❤! Guess who's back, back again?
Sorry for getting so much time.

I actually deleted this chapter once.
Stupid right!
But I didn't know how to restore it, so I wrote it again.
Hope you like it!

P.s I'm super surprised by all the comments and views. Like I have 300k+ views 🤯

- Also my tiktok account is managed by a friend and she told me you have been a little bit "aggressive "😅. But I saw all the messages and comments and I  was so thankful for loving the story.

Thank you! ❤