Definitely, Maybe, Sometimes. | ✔️ COMPLETED

Chapter Thirty-Three

Days pass into weeks, weeks pass into months. I move on autopilot.

I go to my lectures. I do my coursework. I read my textbooks. I go on nights out. I smile at the punters. I smile at my friends. I smile at Nate. I'm always smiling. It's this fake, cheery thing plastered to my face to let everyone know I'm okay.

But I'm not.

I am not okay.

There's a deep pit of despair that has opened up inside me and no matter what I do, I can't get it to close.

I think about that day with Jordan constantly. Hearing his voice break as I leave, the resounding click of the closing door, the silence that followed.

I see him sometimes but we avoid each other as much as we can. From what I have seen he looks as bad as I feel. But we don't talk. We stay away from each other.

I ignore Kerry when she's tells me it's for the best. I ignore my mum when she tells me these things happen. I ignore Reign when she tries to convince me I just need to get under someone else. I ignore the fact that no one seems shocked.

I fleet from being in agonising pain to feeling nothing at all. But when the pain does come, I am more then certain that the intensity of it is worse than death.

I plan my future with the same enthusiasm I have about everything else. Which is barely any at all. I move around like a zombie, but everyone keeps telling me how well I'm doing.

Nate has been a real friend. He's picked up shifts at work with me to help keep me occupied. He comes on long walks, and some days he brings me coffee to fill the void. Even though he doesn't like coffee.

He lets me remove the fake smile. He lets me cry. He listens to me go on and on, he holds my hand and doesn't tell me it's for the best. He keeps my connection to Jordan alive, he lets me ask as many questions as I want, he tells me how Jordan's really doing, doesn't sugar coat it.

He doesn't think I'm pathetic for asking after Jordan. Or for being consumed by my breakup. He doesn't judge, doesn't make snide comments. He lets me be me.

He's my best friend.

That's how my days go, an endless cycle of the same misery. I cling to the idea that I have done the right thing. That Jordan wouldn't be able to love me the way I want, that we would be in repeated of cycles of pain until we inevitably imploded.

But there are days where I miss him so much it's like an elephant is sat on my chest. I crave him constantly. But as the time passes I start to get used to the feeling. I grow an ability to live alongside it. It becomes bearable.

But it never leaves.

I dream about him most nights, even in the day he still consumes my thoughts.

"It'll be okay," Nate is telling me. I'm sweeping whilst he lifts chairs onto tables. "You'll be okay."

"I know I'll be okay," I say, sighing. "I just don't want go on feeling so... empty."

"Listen," Nate says. "Why don't you see Jordan before we break up for the summer? Talk to him? Get some closure."

"Because as Reign has rightly said - do I want closure or do I just want to give him the chance to tell me what I want to hear?"

"I get that," Nate nods. It isn't lost on me that we close the bar in perfect harmony. It's ironic, really. Nate is almost the perfect guy for me. Yet Jordan is the one I'm completely bonkers for.

What a cruel thing, what a sick twisted joke played on me by the universe.

"But it might be good, for the both of you." He keeps on. "He's plunged right off the cliff, there's no bringing him back from the brink."