"You don't find BTS, they find you" is the saying. This is true for me, seeing a random video saved my life. I've grown into a Kpop fan since then - their music touches my soul. I'm ARMY, Carat, MooMoo, Stay, and more.
Let's back up a few years... I have many medical problems, Fibromyalgia and Disc Degenerative Disease are the two worst ones. Fibro causes your nerves to flip out & that makes muscles spasm. Sometimes it's a weird little twitch feeling but most of the time, it causes horrible pain.
Disc Degenerative Disease is just that, the discs in my spine that protect the spinal cord, well, they are slowly dissolving (gross but true). Because of these, I have been on medications for the past 22 years & in 2018, I had a morphine pain pump. This slowly allowed morphine to go directly into my spine for pain control.
There had been a problem with the catheter and morphine was going directly into my body instead of the slower method of being absorbed. It was causing me to pass out a lot, I finally fell asleep driving with my son & we hopped a curb, taking out a light pole. That was terrifying, to find out my body was being overdosed. To prepare for an upcoming surgery, they had to remove the pain pump.
My body went into shock, going from no pain to an obscene amount, let's just say it was agony. I have major depression and anxiety issues and this withdrawal set off the worst episode yet.
I started out taking extra pain meds, then started taking pain meds and drinking too much. I wanted to be gone, numb, needed to feel empty. I started to give little things of mine away, explaining to people just what that object meant to me. I wanted people to remember me.
I would make little notes telling myself I should hurt, I needed to die, why am I even doing this? I'd write them and crumple them up, something inside me wanted my husband or son to find them, I needed help. I would purposely get hurt, just to FEEL something, feel anything.
My son was 17 and a sophomore in high school, he didn't need me anymore, right? My husband is disabled & our intimacy had been dry for 5 years already. I love him too much to care about that but at the same time, I told myself he didn't feel attracted to me, that he wanted me gone. My son didn't need his Mom anymore, he didn't need to be coddled and my inner self felt like he hated me. (He has NEVER said those words to me ever)
I had an inner demon that asked me why I mattered, that it was ok to mix meds with alcohol, take more... it will make you numb.
I had saved up over 100 Percoset pills, 50 Morphine pills, 25 Ambien and had a full bottle of 50 Tylenol PM pills. I had a plan to slowly take them over a 2 hour time period, making sure I had food in my system so I didn't throw anything up. I was going to sleep and never wake up.
Right before I started taking the meds, I turned on YouTube, just to take my mind off the suicide plans. There was Seoul Olympics (opening or closing ceremony, I don't remember). BTS was performing. When I think about it now, I don't remember if this was live or just a clip from another year.
I thought, huh, this kpop stuff was a cool show. (I'd only known about PSY) I thought that it would be cool to look these BTS kids up. So I did a search.
Something called a translation video came up - "The Last" by AgustD. Who he was, I had no idea or why this came up from my search. So I watched it. A few times, crying the whole time.
It touched my soul, made me FEEL something, made me proud of this AgustD kid. After reading more, talking about this is taboo in S Korea? I found more respect for this kid who I discovered was Suga in BTS.
This 20 something kid wrote, sang and produced this song. Not a song, he bared his soul. I realized that if this kid on the other side of the world could make this song, could show this part of him to the world, who got help.... I could do it too.
I turned all of my meds into my doctor, I flushed the alcohol, I asked my doctor for H.E.L.P.
I got onto anxiety & depression medicine, I met with a shrink. I got help. I was challenged to be better, I slipped off my path a few times but now? I haven't drank in 3 years, I've been pain med free for 6 months now.
I have my days where it's a struggle but I've pulled thru. I saw my son graduate from high school with honors and in 1 month, he will be graduating from college with high honors (3.87 gpa) - I am so proud of my son!
I will be here to meet his girlfriends, watch him get married, I'll become a grandma one day as well. I am madly in my husband of 25 years and I am happy. I FEEL HAPPY, my soul is full of love instead of self hatred.
All because of Min Yoongi and his decision to share his deepest fear, his anxiety and his life with us.
So yes, BTS saved my life. I got to see them at Soldier Field, Chicago in 2019. I have met 2 of the sweetest girls because of that concert. I've become a KPop fan, I love the message these idols offer up to the world.
They truly have the power to save lives. I am living proof.
Borahae
UPDATE!!! In May of this year I got to see Yoongi/Suga/AgustD on his tour stop in Chicago. The concert was so amazing, I had nose bleeds but it didn't matter, I got to see him live. His last song was appropriately, The Last. I recorded it but sobbed the whole time. I am so thankful he included this song in his set list, it spoke to my soul just like it did all those years ago.
It says "keep going strong, run towards your goals in life. Just never give up, ask for help when you need it and stay strong, always stay strong" Thank you Min Yoongi
