I got to see BTS in May 2019. Afterwards, I was in a kpop rabbit hole. Ordered all of their back albums and I've kept up with them ever since. A previous story has gone into details.
Anyways! Being me, I broke my ankle 2 weeks after the concert and while I was in a pain pill daze later that week, I had ordered 2 copies of the same album. I knew only 2 girls that loved kpop more than I did and they both already had the album. I did the next best thing and offered it up to someone in our fb group. Out of the hundred or so people, Shawna won it.
I sent it to her and we just hit it off. She was 3 years younger than me and had been in an accident that left her homebound. Like myself, we were both going thru pain issues - me with fibro and Shawna with pains from the accident.
We also bonded over our cats, I had 4 at the time and Shawna had 1 - Kookie. We talked about everything from how to make the best grilled cheese & turkey sandwich to dreams we had. Sometimes not so pg13 dreams too - those conversations would normally leave us both laughing hysterically.
Shawna had a problem staying at a healthy weight, she was a very skinny woman. I'd give her recipes with good ole Wisconsin butter and cheese to try and help her gain weight.
Over the past 3 and 1/2 years, Shawna and I became really great friends. Age and maturity levels were about the same, love for BTS & kpop & our love for our pets. Everything clicked and she was one of my best friends. Never met in person but the friendship didn't care. We loved each other like sisters.
About 3 months ago, Shawna started complaining more about her back hurting. I'd tell her to call her sister and go to the dr but that didn't happen. Both of us being disabled, we were stubborn and Shawna was sooo stubborn. She would just go to bed early or take extra pain meds.
2 months ago, I was preparing to move and got a text from Shawna saying she called the EMTs. I panicked and kept in touch with her all day. A few days later, I got a phone call from her - she said she had stage 4 liver cancer. "I went in with a back ache and came out with stage 4 liver cancer" - she laughed when she said it.
A week later, I was moved into my new apartment and was starting the unpacking when she told me they were moving her into a nursing home. It took her another full week to tell me it was hospice, I'd already gotten in touch with her sister so I knew.
I talked with her everyday, for most of the day (thru fb messenger). We talked about how scared she was, the pain she was in, that one nurse who was a bitch... I sent her pics of how the unpacking was going and pics of the cats. I cried with her when she was scared, I complained about how bitchy that nurse was, I told Shawna how much Heavenly Father loves her.
We talked about Heaven a lot, Shawna decided to be baptized. I was so proud of her, along with her family. I told her how happy God was and how he will be there to hold her close and she won't ever be scared again. I have faith she is with him now, wrapped in the loving embrace of her Heavenly Father.
Shawna lost the fight with cancer on the 8th of October. I still cry for her every day, its gotten better, I don't have panic attacks anymore. But I miss her, I miss her so much. Some days I feel like my soul will never heal, it's going to have this hole there forever. I text with Shawna's sister regularly about her & helping her heal from this loss.
Her Celebration of Life is this next Sunday, I can't be there in person. My car wouldn't make the trip nor would my body appreciate a drive that long. I'm in Milwaukee area, Wisconsin. They are in Cedar Falls, Iowa. I did get asked to write an eulogy for her, short but full of the love I had for her.
Losing Shawna is the first time I've lost a friend as an adult, the first time I've felt my heart tear apart, the heartbreak is still sometimes too hard to take. I still text her fb messenger, I know she already knows what is going on but it helps me a little. I can feel her rolling her eyes at my silly jokes and some nights when I cry myself to sleep, I can feel her spirit console me.
I just wanted to write about the best friend that I've never met in person. How she helped me thru hard times and how my faith that she is with Heavenly Father, how that faith is keeping me going.
I miss you Shawna and cancer can fuck off.
