More Than I Expected.

Chapter 11

NOT PROOFREAD

Who was I before you found me?

That was the only line written out in the pages of my journal. I'd hit a slump in my writings for awhile now and I thought sitting out by the beach I'd be able to bring something out. There's been a lot going on in my life so it didn't seem off to think something would come out of me. But nothing did.

"What a poet I am-can't even write three lines," I groaned letting my journal fall in the bamboo mat next to me as I looked over the waves.

It was early in the morning, stepping out of Lauren and Camila's room I realized I was the only one awake. I decided to grab my journal from my bag and make way down here to try and come up with something after getting a hoodie and sweats. We continued having sex as silently as we could last night after Lauren found us. I was scared for a moment that maybe Dinah and Normani really did see us, but I was too distracted by both of them going down on me to really fester in my fears.

Hugging my knees to my chest I watched the water crash against the shore as I tried to recall the last time I'd been so close to the sea. It'd been years. One Friday when Dinah said we should skip out on school and catch a bus to Avalon. I was ahead on all my course work and didn't think anything of it as I threw my backpack into the bushes outside my home before running to the bus stop. I had money from my various side jobs so I didn't think twice about paying for our fares. I needed to escape for a bit. Once there before we hit the beach we walked around aimlessly admiring the huge houses by the sand. Pretending to be some big wigs who probably had fortune five hundred companies with two kids, one boy and a girl because that was the perfect American family. I remember laughing at Dinah complaining about how her husband just doesn't give it to her the same in bed so she'd banging her tennis instructor who's ten years younger.

Us back then would've never guessed we'd be in one of those houses now.

I chortled imagining teenage Dinah and myself seeing us now. Younger Dinah would probably call me a hoe, but then say thanks for bringing her along for the ride. Then probably ask what nice stuff I've gotten for her older self.

Teenage Dinah and Dinah now probably wouldn't be so different now that I think about it.

It was one of our funnest moments, until we got home. All that flashed through my head was raised voices and declarations of disownment. The echos of shame and resentment filled my house as it did everyday. The second I stepped through that door all that fun I had was stripped away. Every inch of color that's risen to my cheeks fell as I remember blanching seeing my family waiting there for me. The coldness in their eyes as they scanned me for anything they could rip into. I snuck out through my bedroom window the rest of the week to hangout with Dinah after that day.

Hugging myself tighter I couldn't help but have flooded thoughts of what my life use to be. The love I received at home I ended up searching for in my first partner. Mentally kicking myself for not realizing sooner I'd just gone for someone who'd treated me the same. The denying of my connection to them. Showing affection behind closed doors and shadowy corners. Praise only given when something was wanted in return.

I took my journal back and started scribbling.

I was everything to everyone, but nothing to myself.

After writing out the last word I felt like something struck me hard. Cringing in the sudden pain my pen fell into the sand as I tried to push away everything that haunted me.