I always feel like I did something wrong even when doing nothing I hold this guilt and I hate why I am such a disgrace, I don't cook clean, or even study I think my grades are good so far but that's just what I think. the truth only gods knows, for now, I haven't been happy in months I feel empty and like I want to do nothing I want to rot in my skin and just silently pass away its not like its gonna change the world anyway am I right? I probably am just being ungrateful in my life but I simply can't help feeling like this, I really wanna end it but I'm too much of pussy to hurt myself to death all these cuts on my body but I wouldn't even be brave enough to, kill myself it's kinda sad not gonna lie,i love the violin but im not even playing on it as much as I want to because of my feelings I think i should just forget my feelijngs and do what I need to do, cook clean and study and many more like that I can make my parents happy and i wont be... how even am i anymore , many people said ive changed and even noticed it expect for my mother the person i thought was the only person to know me, but i always am wrong , even abir herself asked me for the thrid time ''why are you so emo and depressed now? it's like I don't know you anymore'' felt that on another level but to hear abir, someone that i cherish says that to me hurt she was the first actual BSF and I just might ruin the friendship because of me, although abir isn't the type to do that, I can't help and think.... all the skinny girls calling themselves fat or crying when someone says their fat, get on all of my nerves why are you complaining you aren't fat and you know it but you are fishing compliments in the worst way possible, my problem is I always just kept moving on I never took the time to care and heal myself, I can't help to care for myself and I don't want to I want to ruin myself so much for others that if I do die, people will start to notice what I do for them and finally love me, it's hard to type with blurry eyes, am I even okay anymore. I just want to be a small happy kid without knowing or having these problems I have now I wish to stop overeating and I want my old friends back, I'm always forced to watch others leave me like I mean nothing. im so easy to forget and leave I wonder if anyone will eventually actually love me, I'm 12 years old these problems shouldn't be in my life so when I do tell someone about them they just fully invalidate my feelings and I hate it, I WISH I HAD SOMEONE TO OPEN UP TO IM ALWAYS HOLDING EVERYTHING IN EVEN WHEN ALONE BECAUSE I CANT TRUST ANYONE AT ALL, SOMETHING ALWAYS GOES WRONG WHEN I DO AND IM SO TIRED OF IT. why was that in all caps... but anyways I'm friends with enemies because I'm too mentally drained to handle another enemy that's how bad my mental health is... I don't know when this all started but I know this won't end soon, I want to do so many things but I can't, I want to say so much but can't, when will this all end, when can I finally be happy, I want someone to comfort me but all I have is myself it's gonna stay like that forever whether I like it or not, I've learned to not say my opinions or feelings on things to avoid fights or losing someone. I always overthink, I'm always late to things, I'm so overstimulated that I am angry and sad over such tiny things nowadays and keep hurting people around me, i hate it but just can't help it's fully my fault I say that here I am...a 12-year-old breaking down and holding back from making noise and listening to music while writing her feelings on her pc to use it somehow to make her mom happy, eating dinner never felt harder. i defintely overate and tears were gonna fall on my plate, i was gonna break down everytime a rice grain fell although this might sound silly or funny it wasnt at all.
