I am holed up in my hole, waiting to be happy. I want my mother to finally be happy when she spends time with me, but I never get that feeling. I want my father to be proud of me and what I have accomplished. I want someone to be proud... i want someone to notice how much better i've gotten, but no one will notice until i'm skinny. it's just the truth, my best friend hates it when i talk about myself like that, but it's just the truth. no one cares unless you are skinny or dead or even a slut. you did not give your body away? oh, then we do not care. children have to lose their virginity before the age of 15. how shockingly normal is that? people may not understand that i think it's disgusting to lose your virginity under 18. i'd rather die... that would not be a problem for me anyway. it's just a nice peaceful escape. no drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, and no sexual use... i'm so ugly. i'll never know what it feels like to have someone take care of me without feeling like they are up to something... how could it be any other way, this is a world where everyone is willing to kill their loved ones to be them or just to have dirt on them. some people cant peacefully die because people do not want to admit they are suffering, "my daughter will never commit suicide." Well, I have to say sir, your daughter peels her skin off hoping to feel some kind of emotion in the process, your daughter cuts herself every night just to watch herself slowly fade away, your daughter would write down her feelings and give signs that she needs help but you would invalidate her feelings and she would just delight you with her smile every day just so you would not notice....that's the hard truth. The old days of having a beautiful smile on my face are completely gone, I want to be happy, I want to feel something other than guilt, sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness, grief and loss. i need to find my way, but should not I believe in one first... good luck with that Sofia, you just want to look for the feeling you used to feel, that feeling was not happy, it was distraction... do not be so sad, it will be ok. You did not do anything wrong, it was not your fault that you could not give it your all. You were not ready and you still are not....but when are you going to leave this deppresive rabbit hole, Sofia? when are you going to set yourself free? when are you going to let go? it's not your fault that you were left. it was all planned anyway
