Living Again

CHAPTER 9

FRIENDLY ENEMIES.

MARCELLA'S POV

I looked out the window of the car watching everything pass me, but that feeling of silence and troubling peace lingered in my mind, the way everything thing blurred out and the feeling and thoughts of everything coming to an end, if the world could just stop and leave a blurred effect of what it once was then maybe it might make a little sense. If I could just stop, stop the therapy that seems to go on forever and with each visit reminding me each time that I don't belong and the therapist brother wasn't making things easier, even without saying a word I knew just how much of a freak he thought I was, his silent judgement was enough to make me remain in my shell.

Was he doing anything worth while? Not at all, he was always  with his phone, each time his brother tried convincing me to do something that I hated, he was always there looking at me with that silly smirk on his face. I thought therapy was meant to be a safe space so why was he always there I couldn't help but wonder each time I walked into the office

"Ghena, it seems like you are getting better already," Mom said as we drove to the therapist office that morning. I was looking away from her, so she wasn't able to see the annoyed face I made when she said that.

"Well, your father and I spoke about this yesterday and we came to a conclusion that you won't be renewing your student membership with your school," she said. So finally they've accepted that I don't need to be exposed to the world anymore, The joy I felt knowing I had supportive family members, but it was short lived.

"We are not renewing your student membership with that school, rather we are changing your school, you would be attending your sister's school," she said and the excitement I felt earlier, deflated like a balloon.

"I am changing school?" The shock of the entire situation was something I couldn't understand. I was going to school, not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't face the people I am partially use to and now I have to face strangers who I knew nothing about, so much for thinking that my parents had my interest at heart.

"Your therapist said you needed a change of environment and I think he is right about that," she added. This has been another problem since I started receiving therapy, it's from your therapist said this is good for you to your therapist said that is suitable for you, and I am tired of everything, literally I just want to end everything.

I was quiet for the rest of the ride, the last thing I needed was fighting with mom and having another episode. Mom dropped me off at the entrance like she always did because my therapist had said I needed walking time to meet people and this was the only time, so I had to walk from the gate to the second floor where his office was, walking by people.

Once again, I was back in this room. I walked in and he was there, sitting in front of his desk reading some files and jotting down something, his annoying brother wasn't around today so it was just us.

I felt chills running down my spine, it wasn't a new feeling, it was always like this each time I encounter boys or men.

Each time I encounter them, or get into same space as them, chills run down my spine and I start getting sweaty on my palms, exactly what was happening right now. Then my head would start making up some scenarios, I knew it was just in my head but it always felt so real and then my brain reacts according to fear, then panic attack sets in and it always end with me passing out or  getting successful calmed down, which could take a day or two.

It's been two months since all this started, and to think that the person who made me this way might be out there living the best of his life and can return anytime and try to take advantage of me again, scares me.

"Don't forget to breathe as you stare Marcella," Dr Van said to me. I suppose he noticed my symptoms were starting to show, well we've never done anything serious therapy, because I always end up passing out or my mind going blank.

"I am not going to force you into doing anything you don't want to do Marcella, as long as you get better, that's my aim," he said and looked at his wrist watch, "Today you've held out for thirty minutes and still haven't lost consciousness, usually you lose consciousness ten minutes after you walk in, but it increased to thirty today, a very surprising record," he said to me.

Is it possible?

I am improving?

I had been observing him since I walked in, wondering what he might be reading and jotting down, but it was short lived when he looked at me and chills ran down my spine.

"I guess you've figured out why it was possible for you to still conscious right now," he said to me, but ignored.

"Distracting your mind, not allowing yourself to think of the horror that could come out from being in the same room as the opposite gender, that's how," he explained.

So all I needed to do was distract my mind, find something to take away any negative thought of being in the same room with the opposite gender, but right now I need to figure out how to breathe because I was choking.

The air felt really thick and hard to take in, My vision was getting blur and my heart kept on pounding on my chest, yes  I was able to hold out for thirty minutes, but the aftermath of it all was terrible, it was different from every other attacks that I have had before. I felt like dying.

"Marcella, I can't ..... so you .... control yourself," I heard Dr. Van's voice, but I was finding it difficult to hear what he was saying.

Few seconds I was supporting myself with the knob, the next I was on the floor, grabbing my shirt collar, gasping for air, him touching me would triple the effect so he couldn't help me or get anywhere close to me.

"Marcella, breath, it's all in your head, it's not real, whatever you are seeing isn't real, breath, breath, breath."

That wasn't Dr. Van's voice, someone else had walked into the room and was shaking me in his hands. This action was supposed to triple the effect of whatever I was going through right now, but somehow I was starting to breath, somehow I was getting all calm because this person was holding me.

"Breath," his voice whispered in my ears for the last time and everything went blank.

Sorry for late updates and I am really grateful that you read my novel.