lights out › charles leclerc.

23│cocktails and heartache

The face that Charles showed after I told him I did sign the contract, was absolutely devastating to some extent. But there was some sort of feeling creeping into my chest, something so bitter that it burned the pit of my stomach.

—Why would you sign it?—. He asked, trying to keep it toned down. I just looked at him in disbelief, before telling him, I was fearful he would be upset that it had to become this and that I didn't tell him at the moment, but never thought he was going to be angry about me signing it.

—Why?—. I tried to make sense of what I was being asked, and he nodded. His face portrayed some sort of disappointment. —There was no choice but to sign it.

—There's always another choice—. He insisted, my heart flinching at the attack.

—Do you think I wanted this?—. My voice came out hurt and he stood up, taking his hand to his face in desperation. —What was I supposed to do?

—I don't know! But this is way bigger than us, do you understand that?—. His voice was nothing like I'd ever imagined coming from him, let alone heard.

—What do you mean?—. I choked on my words.

—It makes the whole secret thing a lot more real, now we need to take it seriously and hide every single second of the day!

I was startled by his tone, he was increasing the volume and something in me felt a little cracked. I felt guilty for a second, but I analyzed his words in silence, and the feeling changed directions. What was he talking about? Cause the secret thing was real, at least it had to be for me.

—Take it seriously now? I thought you were committed to this being a secret until I finished working here!—. I stood up from the bed as well, trying to get him to look at me. The way my voice filled the room, the anger so tangible that he had to turn to me.

—I wasn't aware it had to be such a serious matter! Now we have to be extra careful or else, we could lose our jobs here.

—So let me get something straight here—. The little pieces of the puzzle connected in my head, and my hands were already shaking due to the rage burning up from the tip of my head to the bottom of my feet. —It wasn't serious for you before I signed the contract? You thought I wasn't going to lose my job before?

—I'm not saying that...

—Of course, you are! Now that your job is in danger then suddenly it's a serious matter!

He looked at me, he was fluctuating between anger and guilt. I looked into his eyes, and I felt an enormous weight on my chest, and it was a feeling I hated.

—Cam, I...

—And you know what's the worst of all? You are the Ferrari Golden Boy, you'd never lose your job because of this. But me? I'm no one, and I could easily be dropped out, and you weren't concerned about that until it touched you.

I felt little peeks of water trying to come out of my eyes, it felt so heavy to say this. I was realizing that maybe he wasn't as devoted to going the great length to protect us and protect our position in this F1 team. I stepped back, as he tried to grab my hand, but I took it away and turned around, walking slowly towards the little table where my wallet was resting, I took it and shoved it into my back pocket.

—I guess you weren't aware of how delicate this can be, and I risked it all because I want to be with you—. I said, the tone decreasing and tinting with melancholy and hurt. I didn't turn around to say this, I kept walking towards the door immersed in Charles' silence. —Just so you know, this hunted me the past week, I really needed you to support me and to tell me everything was going to be alright. I really needed my boyfriend today.