Sarah Paulson Mental Health One Shots

We're a team - Amanda

TW: ED
backstory: Amanda is your mom; you've been fighting with an eating disorder finding a lack of motivation to eat; you've tried your best to keep this from your mom, but she is catching on to your old habits.
(also Amanda is a single parent in this)

Y/N
I had just gotten finished with school. Finally. I'm so exhausted.
I entered my house, "Momma?". No response. She must still be at work. She works from home, but volunteers at the animal shelter some nights. Sometimes she won't get home until late because of it.
I walked into the kitchen and found a note on the counter. It read:

Hi love!
I am running a little late today, I am having a late night at the animal shelter!
I made some cookies, your favorite, they are in the microwave!! I was thinking we could order in some dinner tonight? Text me what you wanna eat!
I love you my beautiful girl.
- mom

I laughed. My mom was always a sentimental type. She could've easily texted me that, but i appreciated the thought and effort she put into the tiny details.
I went over to the microwave and found she made my favorite cookies.
I took one and looked at it. Just observing. The smell, texture, just contemplating.
I grew angry with myself even thinking about eating it and just crumbled the cookie in my hand. I started quietly crying. I don't know why I get like this. I am so disgusted with myself, I don't deserve this.
I was quick to throw the crumbs on my hand in the trashcan and wiped my tears.
I ran up the stairs finding myself in my room. I am so hungry, but I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep.
I changed into some comfy clothes laying in bed. I saw my phone light up, it was momma.

Mommy: Hey baby! I wasn't sure if you saw my letter I wrote you, but what do you want for dinner? So I can order before I leave work?

I just rolled my eyes. Sometimes I wish she would just drop an idea and move on with her day, but she's very stubborn. I guess that's where I get it from.
I turned my phone on silent and closed my eyes, soon falling fast asleep.

Amanda
It had been 30 minutes and I didn't get a response from Y/N. I knew she was home from her location on her phone, but she isn't responding which is out of her character.
She hasn't been good about responding or talking to me for a few weeks now.

Maybe i'm over thinking?
Or maybe i'm not.

she's seemed detached and tired recently. Some of the behaviors she had when she struggled with her eating disorder a few years ago.
I don't want to confront her until I know for sure she's going down that path again, but I don't think I have a choice at this point.
She barely touches her food around me, and purposely doesn't come downstairs to avoid
eating meals.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and I try to call her.

Ringing...ringing... voicemail.
let me try again.
no answer.

I started to panic. I need to go home.
I was supposed to help close up the animal shelter, but i grab my purse and car keys.
"Hey Halley, do you mind if I head out a bit early? it's a family matter." She was quick to agree, granting me to leave.

I got in my car and hurried home.

Y/N
I was sleeping until I woke up to a hurried knock on my door. "Baby? are you awake?"
I quietly scolded myself, "shit". I looked at my phone and saw several missed messages and calls from my mom.
"Y/N?"
I pulled my comforter over my body and pretended to sleep.
I heard the hushed squeak of my door being opened followed with a sigh.
Quiet footsteps made their way over to me and I felt momma sit on the side of the bed. She stroked my hair and I felt her eyes on me.
"Y/N? Honey, it's time to wake up. You slept the afternoon away."
She softly giggled and kissed my forehead.
I groaned in response.
"Okay grumpy pants you leave me no choice..."
"NOOOOOOOO MOM NOOOOO" I whined trying to hold my blanket over my body.
She pulled the blanket off of me and laughed tickling me. "I'm not gonna stop until you get up!"
I sit up giggling, "i'm up , i'm up, i'm up, now please stop it!!!"
She did this to me ever since I was young, yet it's still effective to this day. haha.
She smiled looking at me and her hand stroked my cheek. "Are you okay? I tried to call and text but SOMEONE didn't respond" she giggled.

I just shrugged my shoulders and looked down, "i'm sorry I was just sleepy. I fell asleep. "

Momma just hummed for a second and I looked up at her. She was playing with the rings on her fingers, "Could that be because you aren't eating enough? You seem to always be tired lately. I'm worried as your mother baby"

My face grew hot, "Mommm stop with the eating stuff i'm okay. I'm fine."

She looked in my eyes and was reading right through me.

"Hey, don't lie to me. You remember what we used to say? we're a what?"

I stayed silent and looked down, but she grabbed my chin in between her fingers.
"we're a..." I rolled my eyes, "We're a team." I said completing her sentence.

"Yes, and the only way a team wins is working together and being open and honest. And there is nothing we can't beat. Okay? It hurts me that my baby struggles alone. I am here for you, Y/N. We are in this together. You wanna cry? i'll cry with you. You wanna scream? i'm right behind ya. I am right there with you, through anything."
She smiled at me waiting for me to make the next move in the conversation.

I looked down and found myself starting to be emotional, "I'm sorry, momma. I'm so sorry." I broke down and started crying.

"Oh Y/N" She scooted closer to me and hugged me tight not letting go, "It's okay. I'm not mad, i'm not disappointed. I am so proud of you and so extremely grateful that you trust me enough to be honest with what's going on. You're so brave, do you hear me? so brave." She kissed the top of my head and swayed me side to side.

"I feel like everything in my life is out of sorts. And I know you said to come to you when I started to feel I was going down that path again, and I didn't. Apart of me missed that feeling, and I am just tired of worrying you with my issues. It's a repeated cycle. Over and over. I just wanna be normal momma." I cried in her chest.

It was quiet for a few minutes, but I was too scared to face her so I kept my eyes closed and hid my face in the crook of her neck.

"Y/N look at me." I didn't move and broke into a sob, but I apparently wasn't the only one crying. I heard her struggling to breathe slowly. "Look at me." She was strict in her tone.

I lifted my head and was met with her glossy eyes. I've never seen mom cry. Only once, and that is when she went through a divorce.
"You are far from an inconvenience. I am always here for you. And I want to help. Being your mom or not, I would help. It's not an obligation. I do it because I love my girl. I LOVE YOU Y/N. Of course I am going to worry for you, but out of love. When you're sad, it makes me sad. You're young, and to take on such big struggles, it's hard for me to watch you go through that alone. I love you inside and out. Every inch of you and the beautiful mind and smile that comes with it."

She wiped my tears off my cheeks while she was crying herself.
I returned the favor and wiped her tears from her face. "Momma you're crying.."

We both giggled. "Only because I love you so much!" She pulled me into the tightest hug and let's out a sigh of relief.

"You know Y/N, it's normal to struggle. Even mommy struggles. Being honest, girl to girl, I struggle with depression. But I don't let it effect me. I am still a good co worker, mom, friend, sister, I am still myself. I don't let a silly label define me. I promise you are valid and it's okay to struggle baby."

I looked at her with sorrow, "I'm sorry mom, I didn't know." I hugged her tight and she kissed the side of my head.
"Hey don't worry about old mom.." she giggles pulling away from the hug kissing my head, "Now be honest, have you eaten today?"
I shook my head.
"Okay, well how about we go to the kitchen and make something together?"

I didn't respond.

"Well that wasn't really an option, I was just being polite. Come on, up we go!!" She dragged me out of bed and I giggled.

"What are we again, Y/N?" she asked.

"We're a team"
"That's my girl."