Chances (Sequel To New Beginnings)

Chapter 39: Chances.

Ava

I was hung over, but the stack of pancakes Mateo had made would surely help me out. I hadn't slept last night at all. It was now noon and the impending doom of the truth was ready to make its way out. I couldn't ignore reality behind the banana pancakes. 

My phone dinged, bringing me out of my thoughts.

Chase: 12:39pm. Ready?

No. 

12:40pm. Ready.

I put on  a  pair of  Mateo's  joggers and his sweatshirt. "Good luck, I love you."

I kissed Arabella's cheek and excused myself. The sound of the elevator driving me insane. I just want to be happy. I want to laugh  and cry tears of joy without the liquor in my system. I wanted to feel safe and be done with the drama. Meet new people, dance, walk around the park. Normality is what I craved.

I walked over to Chase's car. Letting myself in the passenger side. "Hey." He breathed out, reaching over to peck me on the lips. 

"Hi."

His engine roared to life and we drove off. We ended up going to a secluded part of the beach. Sitting close enough to enjoy the breeze of the ocean but far enough to hear ourselves think. We sat in an awkward silence. Something I hadn't felt with Chase in a long time. Just yesterday, I remember how he used to sneak into my bedroom window now we were stuck in an everlasting silence. Unaware of who would break it first.

"Julian and I are back on the team like nothing happened. Coach was fired, so I think we got a chance to start over. They even set us up with an apartment off campus, you should come see it with me. It has a pool on the top floor."

"I'm happy for you."

"Thanks."

Another pause of silence. I stayed quiet, scared of what might come out of my mouth. The impending doom of what was to come. He had it all again, and I could not help but feel... jealousy. I should be happy for him, I know. But I wanted so bad to be set. I could do that again, but at the cost of losing him.

"I'm sorry, Ava. So fucking sorry." 

I bit my lip. 

"For everything. For not caring for you, for not showing you how important you are to me. Ava, you deserve so much better than me."

"I do." I agreed. 

He was dumbfounded, clearly not expecting me to agree with him. His hand reached for mine but all he grabbed was sand. I moved it, not wanting to feel his touch. I knew one moment of our skin touching, I would collapse. The cycle would begin again. I would comply. Something would happen again, it's inevitable. Something or someone else would come first, and this whole shit would start over again. I wouldn't be my own person. I would continue existing as Chase's girlfriend. 

"I'm moving to New York." I stated, playing with the sand in front of me. 

"Why?"

"For a new start. To feel safe."

"Alone?" He questioned, clear in his tone he wanted to ask more. 

I shook my head, "Mateo and Arabella. We're all moving there."

He sucked his teeth, nodding his head. "Okay.. okay. yeah, we can make it work. I'll visit on spring break, you can come down here. We'll be fine."

I sighed, frustrated he wasn't getting it. That wasn't enough. It never was. "Chase." I stated, grabbing his hand. Meeting his eyes for the first time today. "We won't, I won't."

His eyebrows furrowed, squeezing my hand. Searching my eyes. "What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying, that I can't be with you anymore. My heads been so confused but last night it was clearer than it ever was before. I want to start over, be someone." I paused, breaking eye contact.  Letting the ocean waves collapse on one another. "I can't do it with you. I won't let myself."

"I won't fight it. I understand. I've failed to protect you. I haven't loved you the way I should have, and that's all on me." He reached in his back pocket, pulling out a crumpled up piece of paper and put it in my hands. "I've never been the best at expressing myself, but promise me once you get comfortable in New York you'll read it."

I put the letter in my pocket, watching him get up. He extended his hand out, helping me up. I wiped the sand off myself and we made our way back to his car. "Can I at least help you pack?" He asked, opening the door for me.

I smiled at him, "Only if you buy me ice cream." 

He smiled back and we sped off into the day. 

I was sad, but I would be okay. For the first time in what felt like forever a weight had been lifted off my chest. I chose myself, something I never thought I would be able to do. The chance of being someone, the chance of being independent. I was ready for New York. More than anything. Plus, I had my best friends to do it with. I was putting my life into my own hands.

I wasn't going to let the chance slip away.

***

authors note

I stopped writing because I lost my passion and creativity for it. I felt like the world was out of my hands. After someone really important told me it was possible, I sat down and re-read my book knowing the past version of myself was weak and I knew I wanted to change Ava's life. 

I want everyone who reads this to know they are more than what society deems you are. Your soul is beautiful and it is unique. You deserve the world, and it is time for you to believe it.

thank you to everyone who has supported me. to the kind words you have inboxed me. please stay tuned for more work.