sincerely, amity

the first month

Luz stared blankly at the clock on the wall. The ticking seemed to grow louder by the second, irritating her ears. Everyone's heads stayed buried in their workbooks, boredom seemed to heat the room. There was five more minutes left until Luz could get out of there, but it dragged on for what felt like years.

"Okay, I'll be coming to check everyone's workbooks. If you didn't finish, it's homework," The teacher announced.

A small wave of panic washed over Luz as she looked down at the empty pages. She sighed in defeat, closing her book and packing it in her bag. Her teacher stopped by her desk, giving her a sad smile and a pat on the back. Luz returned the smile and threw her bag over her shoulder, waiting for the dismissal bell.

Once class was over, the Latina quickly made her way to her locker, not wanting to get trapped in the crowd. She put her books up, and pulled out the homework she had for the night, placing it in her bag.

The cemetery was her next destination, of course. As she stepped outside, she took the sweatshirt around her waist off, sliding it over her head. Autumn here was cold, and the weather really showed it. She gripped the strap of her bag, jogging down the steps, and out to town.

The walk to the cemetery wasn't interesting, it was like any other day. She reached the town markets, the ones her and Amity would usually go to on their free weekends. She usually held her head low, and sped past it. Her heart ached at the sight, but today she didn't walk past. Instead, she found herself walking toward the local florist.

"Welcome in! Is there anything I can help you with today?" A man greeted as the bell on the door chimed.

He was young, maybe early 20's. A subtle beard lined his slim cheeks, and he had a variety of piercings.

"Hi.. um, how much would a small flower arrangement cost? I'm looking for something purple- light purple, and maybe white?" Luz stumbled out, staying put at the door.

The man turned behind him, looking at a wall of different colored faux flowers behind him.

"Hmm, it'll depend. I have many purples and whites, I'll let you come show me exactly what you're looking for. It surely wont be over 20 snails for just something small," He smiled, gesturing for her to come stand at the counter he was at.

Luz slowly made her way across the room, looking at the options behind him. Her mind went blank, it was like she just woke up from a dream. She looked back at the man, anxiety rising in her body.

"Maybe you could describe the person you're getting them for, we can start from there," The florist suggested, noticing her discomfort.

She let out a breath, nodding.

"They're for my girlfriend. She's brave, and considerate, and supportive," She started, watching the man reach for a pair of scissors and ribbon. "She always knows what to say, she's kind of to herself, she's not extremely outgoing,"

The man listened to her words, turning to look at his collection.

"What does she look like?" He asked.

"Oh, she's beautiful," Luz giggled. "She has lilac hair, the color of a summer sunset. Golden eyes, and the cutest rosy cheeks,"

Luz smiled to herself, picturing Amity. It faded once she remembered she was taking these to her grave. The man turned back around, laying shades of lavender and a creamy white on the table.

"She died a month ago,"

His eyes crept up to Luz, who was staring at the counter top that her hands rested against.

"Exactly a month ago today. We never really got each other flowers. I mean, if I saw one in a bush while we were on a walk or something, I'd totally pick it for her, but we never like this. Not until she died, and still, this is the first time I'm getting them professionally done. I know she didn't like bright colors, she always complained about them being in her hospital room," Luz told the man.

He listened intently, turning to grab more flowers.

"It's hard. I wake up every morning, hoping I finally escaped from this nightmare. I always grab my phone with slight hope that she'd sent me a 'good morning' text, but obviously it never happens. I visit her grave every afternoon after school," She debated her next choice of words. "I've only told one other person about this, but,"

Luz slipped her bag off her shoulder, pulling Amity's diary out.

"She left me her diary, she was always a writer. We actually had a book club at school, and we always would write our own stories," Luz paused for a minute. "Parts of me keep dying with her. The day she told me she was dying, the nights in the hospital when she'd cry into my arms, standing over her casket. I lose myself more everyday. I've been lying to myself since her funeral, it's not getting easier. I'm scared to sleep, I worry that I'll see her again, then have to wake up and realize it wasn't real,"

She let out a shaky breath, wiping her nose and cheeks with her sleeve. She looked back up at the man who was tying a white ribbon around the bouquet.

"I lost my younger sister to a drunk flyer 3 years ago. It felt like the world had split in half. I closed myself in my room for months, and refused any kind of help from anyone. She loved plant magic, but I had already gotten my sigil," The florist lifted his sleeve to reveal a bard coven sigil. "I took on this store part time, so even though I can't make flowers appear out of thin air, I can still make faux. It really got me out of my shell. For the months I was locked in my room, I was convinced it would never get better, but it did. I got mental help and began to take care of myself. You are already doing so much more than I did a month after she died. You're a special kid,"

Luz relaxed a bit as he told his story. It felt good to know that she wasn't the only one who had experienced this. He looked up from the bouquet, meeting Luz's eyes. They both shared a warm smile.

"These are on me. You sound like a wonderful girl, and I know you have a big future ahead of you," The man said, handing her the bouquet.

Luz accepted it, running her fingers through the different types of flowers. There were lilacs, magnolias, hydrangeas, and some other small flowers.

"Thank you so much. It was wonderful to meet you," With a wave, Luz left the shop.

The sun had started to set when Luz stepped outside. She stayed in there for longer than she anticipated, but it didn't hurt anything. She continued down the path to the gates of the cemetery, walking through, and finding her way to Amity's grave. The grave marker had finally been put on a few days ago, so Luz took a seat right behind it. She carefully reached up and placed the bouquet in front of the headstone.

"It has been the longest month of my life. I miss you more and more every day, but I've come to realize that's okay. It's okay to hurt, but it's not okay to do it alone," She began. "I would do anything to be able to hold your hand right now, or.. just to touch you,"

Luz's voice trembled, but she took a deep breath and continued.

"Maybe I'll see a doctor, or maybe loosening up will be enough. I'm gonna stop pushing you away, I'm gonna embrace you. I'm gonna talk about our memories, and I'm gonna stop avoiding the elephant in the room. Maybe you died physically, but that doesn't mean you did spiritually. I love you, and I'm gonna do everything I can to show that,"

Luz smiled, the golden sunset illuminating the grave. A soft breeze swept through the area, pushing a few curls in front of her face. She ran a hand through her hair, turning behind her to see the sun.

The cold air blew a little stronger, causing Luz to shiver a bit. She turned back her girlfriend's grave, leaning down and pressing a kiss against the grave maker.

"I love you, but it's cold. I'll come by tomorrow, batata,"

With that, the Latina stood up, and jogged back down the path to her house. For once, she was able to say she was okay, and truly mean it.