sincerely, amity

dying

September 2nd

I don't want to be here anymore.

I can't stop fucking crying. I was getting better. I was better. I was gonna get the hell out of here. It's all fucking ruined. I want to die already.

From what I was told, apparently when I went down at the beginning of my sickness, my brain couldn't catch up with it. When it did, it released some chemical into my body that gave me that random boost. My brain was trying to trick my body into thinking she was okay, basically.

When the episode has subsided, that's when I gradually started to feel all that pain. It like, overloaded my brain, and now it's killing me. I'm fucking dying. I'm gonna be fucking dead by the end of the month.

I just want Luz here right now.

I don't know what to tell her. I don't know what to tell anybody. I just don't know anything.

I don't feel like anything. I feel gone, like I'm already withering away.

I need to write that fucking letter.

Sincerely, Amity

Luz pressed her lips together, silencing a sob. Her eyes swelled with tears, and her heart felt like it may explode. She kept going anyway.

September 3rd

I don't know what I want to tell her. I love you, miss you, don't cry, whatever.

I don't know what I want to tell you, Luz.

Sometimes I forget that I'm writing for you.

I wish you knew sometimes, but I don't think you could handle what my deranged brain thinks of.

I told you that I loved you last night, and I really fucking mean it. Luz Luz Luz. I fucking love you. I wish I could tell everyone. Write it in the stars. Yell it out into the crowd.

I don't know if you can miss people when you're dead, but if you can, I'm gonna miss you so much. I always miss you. If I could write another diary just about you, I think I would.

But I don't think I have the time for that.

I'm scared, Luz. I'm scared to die. I don't even know what to say.

I wish I didn't have to say anything.

Sincerely, Amity

Luz closed the book and rested her head against it. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and clicked to Amity's contact, which she now had pinned. She scrolled up to the last message between them.

i love you

She read over and over.

i love you
i love you
i love you

She clenched her teeth, and let her head fall back against her bed, letting out a gut-wrenching sob.

She cried. All the time it felt like. She didn't know how she had anything left in her.

She sobbed face down into her mattress for probably thirty minutes, until her face was sore, and breathing felt like a chore.

She didn't even bother going to the bathroom to wash her face. She just rolled over on her back and laid in uncomfortable, damp, silence.

She looked over at the diary that laid next to her. She choked out a final sob, and picked it back up.

September 4th

Today I told the group that I'm dying. Again.

Everyone came to see me. Willow brought flowers, Gus didn't even speak. I feel horrible, he's just a baby.

Hunter came with the three, he sat in the chair next to my bed and did his best to stay collected. He held my hand and talked to my like nothing was happening.

Luz came in later that day. She sat in the same chair and did her daily hand holding. She didn't speak for the longest time, she just held my hand, kissed it softly, held it to her forehead. The only sound was Family Feud on my TV.

She cried today. She's never cried in front of me.

I watched as she tried to open her mouth to say something, but as soon as she did, she just couldn't hold it back anymore.

I pushed myself up to the best of my ability, pressing our foreheads together. I let her cry as long as she needed. I know it has to be hard, and I'm not gonna be one of those 'I don't want you to cry, celebrate my life' kinda person. Shit, I've cried. Everyone can cry. I.. guess it kind of makes me feel like someone to know that people care about me to the point that they'd cry about me.

I guess that's selfish. Whatever. I'm dying. I can be as selfish as I fucking want.

Luz stayed until visiting hours were over, and she kissed me before she left. Like, on the lips.

See, I told you I'm not contagious >:p.

Kidding.

If I could tattoo your kiss to my lips, I would. I..

cant talk about this anymore. i'm going to sleep.

sincerely, ams

Luz softly touched her lips, wishing she could press them against Amity's skin one last time. She craved the lavenderette's touch, and that kind of sucked, cause you know, she's dead.

Luz put the diary back for good, she wasn't gonna read anymore that night.

She rolled over on her side, grabbing one of the pillows behind her head and hugged it, wishing so badly that it was Amity.