Lost and Found

Chapter 37

A/N: Okay everyone, ready for a ride? Big things will be happening for all characters, starting with Meredith and Amelia. It will take awhile to conclude all storylines, as these next few chapters will focus on one or two pairings each. Anyway! Thanks all of you reading, voting, following this fic! You guys rock!

Enjoy!

Four years ago:

Cristina's little red Toyota bounced and jounced along the gravel road of the cemetery while Meredith stared straight ahead. Lexie's hand clutched hers, but she hardly squeezed back, her heart and mind full of mixed thoughts and feelings. She didn't notice when the car stopped, or when her door opened. She barely acknowledged Cristina standing beside her with her crutches.

She didn't want to be here.

But she did.

She'd been in the hospital for nearly two months. Three weeks of which she didn't remember. And the remainder had been hell. She lost her baby, and with it, she felt like she lost herself.

"Meredith?" Lexie's voice pulled her out of her reverie, but she didn't want to move. She couldn't.

"It's okay, take your time," Cristina said.

Cristina waited.

Lexie waited.

Their stares weighed on her, and if she had the emotional energy to snap at them, she probably would have. But Meredith gave in, reaching for her crutches, somehow finding the strength to pull herself up. Her breath caught when she was upright, wincing at the sun in her eyes. Why did it have to be nice out today? Ahead of her, a little to the right was Derek's grave. And behind it, under a tree was Grace's. A little white stone in the ground.

Mark had videotaped the service. They'd had it a week after her accident, when she was still in a coma. But this was her first time here to see her baby. Meredith wobbled, biting back the ache of grief. She felt hands steadying her as she shuffled forward. But she pulled away from them toward the tree. She stopped and stared at the simple plaque. 'Baby Grey-Shepherd.' It read simply, with only one date.

Meredith dropped her crutches and lowered herself slowly to the ground. Tracing the 'B' with her finger, she didn't know what to say, what to do. Her pelvis ached. Her chest ached. Penance, she supposed."I was going to name you Grace," she whispered. "Because... you..." she hiccuped, her chest heaving. "After Derek- after he got shot, you... you saved me. You weren't even bigger than a pea, but you saved me. So I was going to name you Grace."

Memories surfaced: Her first ultrasound Lexie framed and put on the mantle; Staring at her slender figure in the mirror with her hand over her belly-button trying to see a bump; In the tub with rubber duckies she picked up at the dollar store, talking to the baby; The day she actually 'popped' and no one would leave her belly alone. More ultrasounds. Listening to the heartbeat. Feeling the baby move around inside her. Her first kick. "You kicked me a lot, you know," she muttered, wiping an eye.

And then it hit her. She never got to hold her baby Grace. "Oh," Meredith gasped."I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. It should have been me. I wish it was me. I'm sorry... I couldn't... I didn't-," she swallowed. "I didn't protect you." Emptiness swallowed her. There was nothing more she could say. Stroking the stone, she laid beside the grave and cried.

xxx

Now:

Time stopped, and all Meredith could do was hold pressure. The world spun around her a thousand miles an hour, but Meredith only saw Anna's blood running rivelets through her fingers and under her palms as she tried to stop the bleeding. How did this happen? How did she get here? If she'd ignored Lexie's freakout... Meredith swallowed. She already lost Zola, now this?