His Sunflower

7

'You never realise how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.'

Being able to open your eyes to face a new day is a blessing to most people, but to me, its a curse. It wasn't like I wanted to die, but it would just be easier if I did. Nobody would notice, and it would be a miracle if they did. I've never tried to end my life but if one day, if I wasn't able to wake up to see a new morning, I wouldn't be upset about it.

But then I think about the fact that if I was to die, would there be another poor girl that would be trapped in the same situation as me? Would my father and his friends bring another innocent girl to replace me to fulfil their sick needs? I would never be able to forgive myself if that happened.

Its always been a dream of mine to help other people who are or have been in situations like me. Feeling so hopeless you feel like death is your only option, to feel so worthless like no one would notice if you just disappeared, to feel so unloved that you give up on any hope that love even exists for people like us.

But a dream like that is all it will ever be, as fulfilling it would require me being free, for me to have fought my own demons, before helping others to fight theirs, and I know that my dream is impossible.

I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone. Being hurt by the person who gave you life, by the person who is meant to shower you with unconditional love, feeling so resentful towards them for bringing you in this world to ultimately make them feel as if they don't belong in it.

Sometimes I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had done just one thing differently or talked a little less. Sometimes I wonder if I did something or said something which led to me deserving to suffer. Sometimes I wonder.

Waking up this morning was painful, to say the least. My legs were sore, my back ached and my eyes burned. Carefully swinging my legs off the edge of my mattress, I attempted to stand up, but instantly collapsed within a second of standing. I had unfortunately been in this situation before and had prior placed a few items around the room to hold on to, to help me move around.

Holding back screams of pain, I managed to make it to the bathroom and sat on the toilet seat with a sigh of relief. I just sat there for a while, flashbacks from last night hit me like a truck. My hands went to my necklace to try and calm myself down, but I knew it was no use.

This had happened plenty of times before and I knew I had to just suffer through it and hope that the feeling would pass soon. I knew it was a panic attack but I didn't want to admit it to myself and add another problem that I had to my already massive list.

I grabbed a washcloth and put it in my mouth to conceal my screams of pain and slid down onto the floor with tears flowing down my cheeks. My body was shaking and my vision blurred significantly. A few minutes passed until I started to calm down and I was so glad that it didn't last too long.

My bottom lip wobbled and I was afraid to look down and see the horrific sight, but I knew that there was no delaying it and eventually, I would have to sort myself out. Black and blue bruises decorated my skin and you could see various scratches and bite marks littered around my thighs. I was too scared to observe the rest of my body further, so I grabbed a washcloth and ran it under some water, moving it to my legs to clean myself up. Even though the feeling was like second nature to me now, I still wasn't prepared for a pain like this.

I couldn't even begin to describe the painful burning feeling which was coursing through my body and once I was done, I rinsed the cloth and put on a pair of black leggings and a black hoodie, slipping my shoes on in the process.

Knowing how much my father and his friends had yesterday, I knew that there was a very slim chance that they would be awake right now, so I took my time to limp my way up to the kitchen.

By the time I made my way up, I was out of breath and clutching my stomach in pain. I leaned my body against the door frame and tried to catch my breath. As soon as I lifted my head up, I swallowed back a gasp. My father and his friends were still in the same position as they were when I left them, but with the light coming in from the window, I could see the scene much more clearly. Blood was splattered across the beige carpet and the smell of sweat lingered around the room. Broken bottles and discarded clothing littered the floor and I knew that I had to start moving before I start to get flashbacks again, or worse, they wake up.

I completed the usual routine, which included tidying up the mess from the day before – which included the empty bottles, powders and pills, and other substances which I didnt even want to think about what they could have been, making my father and his friends breakfast, and getting my things for college, before slowly making my way out of the house and closing the door to hell behind me.

I obviously missed college yesterday and I couldn't afford to miss it again today, so with a sigh, I started limping towards school. My legs were extremely sore from yesterday and every step I took, felt as if I was dying. Tears blurred my vision but I knew that I had to persevere and carry on walking if I wanted to at least make it to my last period.

Suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I could see a black sports car driving dangerously close to the curb. The car started to slow down and it parked right in front of me, opening the blackened window. Before I could even comprehend what was happening, he opened his mouth to speak.

"Get in, Sunflower."