"I don't wanna see him, I can't. I'd never be able to look in his eyes again, because all I would think about is how it was all my fault."
Celine Valentini's just returned to Monaco after two years, with a big secret and one desire: to not have to s...
To soulmates, the ones we will always look for at the end of every lap
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Celine
Now
"Thank you for your time, Miss Valentini, but we believe another trainee is more suitable for this position."
Those words echo in the silent room. What I worked for in the last two years is gone. The stage that was supposed to change my career had led to nothing. I persistently think about what I did wrong, and when the examiners leave, I am left alone to drown in disappointment. I can't look up from these Jimmy Choos I slipped into just two hours ago.
They were a gift from my ex-boyfriend, he had given them to me before I left for New York, and therefore before we broke up. I have kept practically nothing of him, perhaps because he has always been my weak point and even today, two years later, I cannot completely forget him.
Few months after leaving I had blocked him everywhere: social media, telephone number, I'd even stopped watching my favorite sport, to not have to see him again. However, I couldn't throw these shoes away, they were too expensive and beautiful to sacrifice.
It's these heels that take my mind back to Monaco, where I have to spend Christmas with my family. I admit, going home for the holidays doesn't excite me at all for a few reasons, first on the list: I'll have to tell everyone that I failed.
What worries me the most, however, is that I will certainly see Charles again.
Realizing this only makes my mood worse, too many bad memories are linked to that name and New York as well. Maybe it's good to have a change of scenery for a while, even though this city is now my home.
When I look up at Loren I notice that she has her eyes fixed on the screen in the meeting room which is still projecting my shots. I have chosen the ten photos that best encapsulate my growth path in the big metropoly: the most beautiful ones convey all the pain I had to face after the day that marked me forever, a few weeks after my arrival.
A roller coaster ride of ups and downs that has come to an end. The fun is over, now I will have to get back down to earth and accept that photography can never become my job.
"Thanks for the opportunity. It was nice working for you." There is only a tight smile between us and before I can even process everything, I am out of the large skyscraper and then in my car.
While I book the flight that will take me back to Nice, perhaps forever, I make a list of things I have to do as soon as I set foot on the Monegasque soil.
At the top stands 'find an apartment and a job'. In any case, I will need my space and something to do that isn't shopping or thinking. I haven't told anyone yet that I'm coming back, so I decide to text Max and Kelly.
I land in Nice late this evening, I need some company
Max is my best friend, we met for the first time thanks to Charles and Daniel, and from that moment on we remained inseparable. Kelly is his girlfriend, she is like a sister and it is thanks to them that these two years in New York were not a total disaster. Kelly was the first to arrive and stay with me after what had happend, for almost a month she comforted me, and made sure I didn't fall apart.
I owe a lot to both of them, especially for not making me hate myself even more with the decision to cut Charles out of my life without an explanation. I know my ex would constantly ask him, Daniel or even Seb how I was and why I had disappeared, but always came back without an answer. I didn't want to see him. Stop going to the Grand Prix around the world, stop actively supporting my friends, had been the hardest decision I could have made. I don't even watch them on TV anymore, simply at the end of the race, Kelly calls me and keeps me updated on the results and then immediately starts talking about something else.
Reminiscing all this break me even more, so much that I find myself sending another message to our group chat.
booked a table at Jimmy'z, I miss partying with you guys
MAX 🏆 it's two more weeks until Christmas... why are you already coming back?
KELLS 💝 Cel did something happen? I didn't think you had this much desire to return... you told me that you would work until the end, given the hiring
there's no job, thought I might as well come back now
DANNY RIC 🍯 oh Cels, how come they didn't get you?
KELLS💝 Celine, call me please I want to know what's happening
MAX 🏆 there's a jet ready to take you home as soon as you're ready ❤️ if you want to have fun to distract yourself tonight that's okay, just don't cut us off
👍
Max's message makes me burst into tears. I knew they would be worried but I didn't think I'd had to talk about my failure right away.
After no more than ten minutes I convince myself to get up, I will have the whole flight to think about everything that can happen once I land. I mentally thank Max for arranging a jet for me and I start to fill the largest suitcase I have. The calm, if one can speak of calm, does not last long. Finding the hospital documents sends me into panic, and overcome by anger and pain I throw everything around.
I'm alone.
This is one of those moments I wish I had my ex-boyfriend by my side, because he was the only one who could calm all my panic attacks that came for no apparent reason.
So, pathetically, I still imagine myself in his arms.
I never asked the others what happened to him, I know of some of his victories but nothing about his private life. He's probably engaged now, maybe living with someone.
I think back to the sound of his voice whispering to me what had always been a spell: "let yourself go, someone will save you before you know it".
Overthinking.
I lit a cigarette and start thinking that maybe I could ask Kelly if she needs a hand looking after Penelope, I miss spending time with her. As I look at the gray sky that covers New York today, without wanting to, I think about how different my life would be if on that damned September 2nd two years ago things had gone differently.
Even though a lot of time has passed, I still have blurry memories of that night. The cigarette is finished. Before I get tempted to lit another one, I go back to my apartment and finish packing my bags.
It's time to leave this chapter of my life behind, ready - more or less - to let go in the hope that someone is ready to save me.
