heal my [broken] heart

.I.

Dear Victoriia 

I don't even know how to write your name. Victoria ? Viktoria ? Viktoriia ?

Vika, or Vicky are  easier, aren't they  ? 

But do ghosts really need a name ? Maybe when they leave silently with your heart in their pocket, they do. 

I don't know if I am angry at you, neither if I want to forget, neither if I want to forgive you. 

Why didn't you answer ? Why my messages still unanswered ? 

AND WHY DOES IT FUCKING HURT THAT MUCH, MONTHS LATER ? 

Because... yes. It does. I can't hide it from you. When you were there, you said, often "je pense que tu es triste". But... actually I am,  only when you're not close to me. If only you knew how happy I was when you were here...

Your absence, its evidence, is necessarily painful.

What can I say? In which language? You know... I feel like I could never love anyone again. Can you imagine that? Never being able to love again? Never been able to dream about anyone again? Did you experience it too? Were you afraid of what you were feeling? I want to understand. There's so many things I need to understand, and that I will maybe never, so many questions without reply. 

Tomorow's Valentine's day. Everyone is talking about it, both lovers and single. Everyone is talking on social medias about how a deception it is to still single in this day. And lovers are showing how much they love each other. What do you think of them? Are you still single ? Is it the reason why you didn't answered my messages? What do you think about it ?

I would have love, for the anecdote, to be with you on this day. I thought about it, really. Coming to Lyon, walking together, drink a coffee, a tea or something else. Eat a sandwich, a salad, a pizza, or just devouring your eyes. I think I can do it for a whole day. I really like your eyes. I really like you. 

But nothing will happen. I will stay in my town tomorrow. I don't even know if you still in Lyon, as you didn't answer my messages. 

I felt the despair from the bottom of my heart, for months. 

I am trying to heal this abandonned heart, paradoxically both hoping that I will never see you again and that  you will come back. 

I hope you can heal your mind, your heart, and your body  wherever you are. 

Still loving you 

H