heal my [broken] heart

.III.

«Cold bones | Yeah, that's my love | She hides away | Like a ghost »

Dear Vicky

You know me. You know my love for you. When my mother and my family think I see you as a friend, you know, since the first weeks we talked together that I like you. 

I don't know why, but I felt like you was playing with it for a while, didn't you ? 

Maybe you don't know. 

But this autumn, you sent me this text. 

After the autumn break, we walked together in the schoolyard. We talked. You thought I was sad. You thought I did not know if I was still loving you. I think you thougt I was not. 

You know... I tried for months to convince myself that being friend with you was enough. I never felt the difference between friendship and love. I barely really like, or love someone. And when this person is supposed to be my friend, I spend weeks, trying to convince myself that I only like them as a friend. So... I was surprised by your text.

Actually... I did not know why I was that much hesitant. Was I afraid of being a couple ? I don't know. I... also didn't wanted to force you. 

To go too fast. 

You thought I was afraid of going out with  a girl. 

I was not. I was really not. I'm so proud to be gay! I'm so happy to love you ! 

I don't know why I took that much time. 

I don't know why we never talked about it since then.

You often said you were afraid to bother me. 

You would never. 

I would be worried about you. I would love you. I would be interested in what you like. I would be interested in your languages. I would love to  learn more about you. I care about you.  I would never be bored with you. 

Why ? 

Why did we misunderstand  the other like that ? 

Did we deserve it ? 

Didn't we deserve love ? 

Happiness through the war ? 

If you have to come back in your country, even if you would like it, I am not able to forget you. 

Sorry. 

There would still a fragment of you, here, in France, in my notebooks, in my photo gallery. In my memories. And in my heart. 

But... Anyway. This fucking war doesn't seem to want to stop.

Please, stay here. 

Please, stay safe. 

H 

«Ooh, does she know that we bleed the same? | Ooh, don't wanna cry but I break that way »

15•02•2023