heal my [broken] heart

epilogue - healed heart

August 2023 

 i don't know how to begin this letter.
i've tried for months not to think about you, but... i went back on instagram and you were there. i read again this story and you were there, and mostly, i closed my eyes,  tried to sleep, and in the depths of somnolence, i met you again.  

so many months later, six exactly, you're back in my headspace
in a few days (or maybe was it a few days ago ?), it's gonna be your birthday, and my phone is going to remind me i hoped we would be together 

i hadn't thought of you for six months. i promise i forget your existence, except maybe when i went on insta because you kept on posting often some stories, but that was just for a few minuts, then you were back on the intensity of my denial

same when I'm going  through my photo gallery and see you

you'll soon be back in my memory 

two months after i forget you, i started feeling some kind of crush for one of my best school friends. we were lying, ahead the school after the blockade to support the strikes there was at that time. 

they were in my back, and i started playing with their hands. 

something i hope i'd have done with you. 

but i dreamt of you this night 

in this dream, i was in a station, waiting for a train with my brother. it was bright, intensely bright, like in Harry Potter when he meets Dumbledore after is own death, but this time, it was more... warm. 

there was this kind of box with this bright and this warmth. 

a train passed 

one breath 

two breaths

the train left 

you appeared 

you walked a few steps to be closer to me 

we looked at the other, my gaze in the pale blue grey of your eyes 

we hugged 

it lasted for a while 

you said ' i'm leaving, i'm going back to Ukraine' 

i heard 'i'm leaving, letting your heart tranquil  now' 

you asked for kissing 

on the lips ? 

i thought of my partner 

i refused 

it seems like you understood 

i said 

"merci " 

we left 

i know that wasn't real 

i know what is real 

i'm healing 

i don't know if i will ever feel love as the love i felt for you 

you've always been, and maybe you'll always be the only one 

you'll always be my first love 

i don't really know if i will ever totally forget you 

i don't know if i want to 

thank you for the memories

thank you for the epilogue 

i guess i still love you, but not as i was used to 

H