Cities that Never Sleep

xv

For the next week, Katherine was absent. Finn noticed that she had not come in for her coffee at her regular time, but thought nothing of it. After all, there were a few times where she skipped the run-in because she was too busy juggling classes. But then, as Finn was closing up, she still had not appeared. At first, Finn thought she was merely running late. But the night started to drone on, and so did Finn.

He simply shrugged it off. Missing one day was reasonable. It wasn't something he should worry about.

But soon, one day turned into consecutive weeks, and then Finn started to worry. He'd catch himself looking up every time the door of the coffee shop opened, pausing in the middle of whatever he was doing behind the counter. But every time he was disappointed. Every time it was never her.

He also waited after the cafe closed, sat at their usual table and trying to do something productive. But it just reminded him that Katherine wasn't there to nag him about doing his homework. He still made two cups of coffee due to habit, and the night always ended in an untouched cup of coffee (two pinches of cinnamon, one sugar, three creams, and a dash of nutmeg) that had gone depressingly cold next to his empty one.

Now, Finn was starting to worry. He wondered if something happened to Katherine. Maybe she had to leave town for a few days because of relatives or such, and just forgot to mention it to him. Maybe family was coming in, and she didn't have time for their usual cafe sittings. She did mention her younger brother who came by the city every once in a while.

Or maybe their kiss was an uncalled-for, silly mistake.

Finn's mind often wandered back to that night. He remembered how his lips lingered, and although he felt stupid for it, how he couldn't seem to sleep that night. He thrashed in bed, thinking about random things like the way Katherine's face scrunched up when she was trying to suppress a laugh, or the strange surge of joy he got when he made her smile. And he wondered if she was thinking about that night too, the way he pondered over it, or if she just dismissed it.

He had sent her a few messages of course, asking if she was doing alright, or something light-hearted like how on earth was she living without Finn's coffee. But she never replied.

So mustering up the courage, one night Finn decided to stop by her apartment. He'd been there a few times already, on the occasion of walking her home when Katherine didn't feel like taking the subway, or using the excuse of acing an exam to celebrate with Chinese takeout on her rather uncomfortable couch.

Finn found himself standing outside her door, hesitating as he raised his fist before knocking twice. For some reason, his breath hitched as he heard a the few shifts and clicks, and then Katherine was standing in front of him, eyes shining with surprise.

"Finn!" she proclaimed. She was still in her day clothes, but her eyes were rimmed with dark purple. However, something in her tone was not right.

"Hey," he coughed, trying his best to casually smile. "You haven't been at the cafe lately."

"I took up some night classes."

Finn didn't say anything. He just continued to look at her, to study her reluctant face. Why were they treating this like some little mishap? They hadn't talked for weeks. They hadn't talked about the night that they kissed.

"You've been gone for weeks. Are you okay?" Finn asked instead.

"Of course," she answered a little too quickly, "I'm fine."

"No, you're not." he blurted out, jaw now clenched.

"Finn, it's late." Katherine tried to change the subject, glancing behind her, her eyes still not meeting his. She folded her arms across her chest and leaned against the door frame.

"Why are you pushing me away?"

There was a long moment of silence as Katherine lost her gaze, her eyes adverted to the doormat below Finn's feet. He stared at her, waiting for an answer, anything.

When he received nothing in return, the irritation caught up with him. "It's not fair, Katherine." he spoke, his voice lower. "You can't just seal off people from your life when you feel like it. It's not fair to me."

Calmly, Katherine closed her eyes. She looked how she had the night Finn really noticed her. And he suddenly felt weak, studying Katherine. She was a mess disguised in a neat box, but he could see right through her. She was a mess he couldn't help but get caught in.

"That's the thing, Finn. I never asked you to give me your time. I never asked you to make me a priority in your life. I can't be someone you have to put up with. I just can't."

Finn stared at her in disbelief. Was she really saying all of these things?

"Why is that a bad thing?" he asked, disgruntled. "That's what people do when they like each other! I like you, Katherine. And I thought the feeling was mutual." Finn rubbed his face tiredly. "If it's not, don't you owe me the least to be straightforward with me?"

But before she could even think about what to reply with, Katherine jumped to the buzz of her phone, glancing at the screen, and finally looked at Finn. There was apology in her eyes, but something else too. He wasn't sure if it was enough.

"Sorry, I have to take this," she sighed, before bidding him a meaningless goodnight and closing the door.

Finn stood still outside her apartment, eyes lingering on her doormat. He felt mocked by the Welcome.

Eventually, Finn walked home. The streets around Katherine's apartment were live and busy with people passing by. They made him feel more alone than ever.

When Finn arrived at his dorm and he kicked off his shoes lazily, his eyes landed on the cold cup of coffee left on his desk from this morning. For a minute, he just stared at it, before settling down at his desk and pulling out some canvas paper and an old paint brush.

He suddenly remembered the way Katherine looked that night she tried painting with coffee, and then the way she looked tonight.

And this time, as Finn dipped the brush into the brown liquid, he knew what he wanted to paint.