TW: depression
Being best friends with a group of criminals definitely has its perks. I never pay for anything full price, for example. By that I mean I typically never pay for anything at all. I think I may be using it as a crutch though considering my current situation.
I've struggled with depression for a long time and they all know that. Once I moved in with them it got a lot better because they always seemed to make me laugh. Lately though, I've been struggling a lot to the point where I can't get out the bed. They've been planning their heist and are suuuper busy which I understand.
I don't like people to be worried about me when there's plenty of more important things to do. Yet I can't shake the feeling of just wanting a hug. Wanting someone to care enough to set aside some things and maybe just lay with me. Just be here and hold me while I try to pull myself out of this.
I've been staring at this same wall for hours now and I'm still not bored. You think I'd get tired of doing the same thing day in and day out but nope. Here I am for the 3rd day in a row just staring blankly, aimlessly, at this stupid white wall. I hear a knock on the door distantly but don't react because what does it matter anyway?
The door creaks open and I still don't move, I don't even have the energy to turn over. How pathetic. "I know right" I mumble for only myself that hear. "Sweetie..." Tammy. She walks over into my line of vision and crouches down so I can see her face. Her arms folded on the space in front of me with her head resting on her forearms.
"What can I do?" She asks, I give her a look only she knows and she looks at me concerned. "Are you sure?" She asks cautiously and I simply blink twice and then stare at her. "Ok... I'll tell her" she says standing back up, and straightening her pants before leaving. The door closes with a soft thud and I sigh deeply as I know what's coming.
I know this will hurt but she's also the only person that can make it better. I hear hushed whispers outside my door and I can tell someone is debating something. I can't tell who but I have a pretty good guess. The whispers die down and a few seconds later the door opens again.
It takes a moment for it to shut again and even longer for me to feel a dip in the bed behind me. It's silent now, almost too quiet. As if the deathly silence from before wasn't enough. "Y/n" she says making me groan, one of the first noises I've made in over 24 hours.
She knows exactly what I mean, Lou knows just what I need. "I can't" she whispers, I force myself to turn over so I can face her and look in her eyes. She glances over my face before hesitantly bringing a hand to my cheek. "Please" I croak put, "y/n I re-" I stop her with a pout. "One more time" I say raspily as my voice hasn't been properly used in a while.
"It'll just make you feel worse" she replies, "you don't know that" I counter. The room falls in a blanket of silence yet again as we just stare at each other intensely. She pulls me into her arms and holds me tightly before kissing the top of my head. Shifting us so I'm laying on top of her because she knows I love that. I sigh and melt into her, closing my eyes and taking in her scent.
Fresh linen and the faintest hint of pine and smoke. "God you don't know how much I love you" she whispers and I can hear her sniffle. I hug her tighter and push my body even closer to hers. "What are you doing to me, baby?" She asks rhetorically. There it is... that word. The four letter word.
"I love you" I say, the sounds muffled in her chest but I know she knows what I'm saying. She pulls away slightly and puts both she hands on my cheeks. "If we're going to make this work... we need to promise each other something" she says shakily. "Anything" I whisper, the desperation evidently dripping off every letter.
"No secrets" she says seriously, "no secrets" I repeat to her like a mantra. "B... baby I really can't do... that again" she says with tears falling down her cheeks. I reach my arms up as I look down at her face and wipe her tears with my thumbs. "I promise. I swear to you... you can trust me" I give her my most solemn vow.
"Ok..." she replies before pulling me in again. This time pecking my lips before returning my head to her chest and rubbing soothing circles on my back. I slowly fall asleep in her arms just how it should be. Drifting on the sounds of her heartbeat and soft breathing.
