this is me trying

Chapter 24 - Time

13th February 2023

I was at home. Not Manchester. Real home. Trondheim. Life had fallen to pieces. I had fallen to pieces. My life was crumbling in my hands. It felt as if everything had gone wrong. And it was my fault. It was always my fault. I was bailed when things got hard. I always left when I could no longer handle it.

I told Hege I wouldn't be at camp this break, for 'family reasons'. I wasn't sure if I was ever going back to Manchester. I wasn't sure if I would ever show my face in that city again.

I soon had a message.

Ona: Eva, please answer me.

I checked my phone. 23 missed calls. Fuck.

11th February 2023

I woke up, with Ona beside me, the morning of my game against Arsenal. This time it would be at home, in our stadium, which was nice, but I knew we had to win. There was no other way about it. We couldn't lose to Arsenal twice in the span of four days. That wasn't possible. I wasn't going to let it happen.

The previous evening, Ona told me all about her plans. All about her plans for both of us to leave Manchester. She told me that all these clubs wanted me, and her. They wanted me, so they could also get her. I played along with it, acting excited, but in reality, I felt shitty. I felt as if they only wanted me so they could get one of the best defenders. I wasn't a pawn, used in their stupid little game. Tears filled my eyes, and although I played them off as happy tears, in reality, I felt myself slowly closing up.

I tried to ignore my thoughts, and intrusions that were infiltrating my brain, but it was getting difficult. It was all getting difficult.

I left Ona asleep in my bed, as I made my way to the stadium. I would normally kiss her goodbye, but this morning, I didn't. It wasn't purposefully done, I just knew I had to get out of there. I had to breathe again. I wasn't breathing.

When I arrived at the ground, I walked straight into the locker room. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't say hi. I just sat at my locker, focusing on one thing at a time.

Mind the cracks.

Count the laces.

Don't touch anyone.

Fuck. Why was I thinking like this again?

I reached for my bag, trying to find my pills that I had forgotten to take in the morning.

"Shit," I said to myself. The packet was empty. There were none left.

"You okay?" Hayley asked, sitting beside me.

"Yeah," I replied, straight away, not wanting to be annoying, and also wanting to be left alone, even by Hayley.

"You sure? Ev, I can-"

"Hayley!" I said, cutting her off, "I'm fine." She looked at me, slightly shocked, and obviously worried.

Hayley's POV

I was worried. Very worried. She snapped. Eva never snaps. Something was up. Something was wrong. That girl's brain works fast, but her heart normally works faster. But today- today something was different.

Something was wrong. But there wasn't anything I could do. The only person that could do anything was the one girl she trusted more than anyone. Ona Batlle.

Eva's POV

No one could change how I felt at that moment. Not Hayley. Not Ellie. Not Alanna. Not myself. I felt isolated. I felt alone. I knew I wasn't. But I was.