this is me trying

Chapter 31 - Losses and Defeats

I won't be scared to admit that tears dripped down my face as I saw the notification. Seeing Ona officially announce her move away from Manchester.

But before I could wallow in my grief, Ingrid called me, to ensure me I was okay, before inviting herself over to my family home, with Mapi traveling behind. Mapi was perfectly happy sitting on the couch, playing with Elske as Ingrid and I talked in Norweigan. Sometimes it was easier to express how I truly felt in the language that was most close to home.

Even though we knew it was coming, I needed her there with me. My best friend. My forever person.

"You'll be okay," Ingrid soon said, as we had finished up our conversation, reverting back to English so Mapi could understand a little of it.

"Maybe," I replied.

"What are you doing?" Mapi then asked, in broken English.

"With what?" I questioned.

"Club?" Mapi confirmed.

"Not sure," I replied. "I'll see what happens after the World Cup, and we'll go from there."

We spent a few more days in Trondheim before we headed to Oslo to meet the team. We were only going to prep for a few days here before flying across the world to New Zealand. Mamma and Pappa were going to come out, most likely meeting me in the country once the tournament started.

Seeing Ingrid say goodbye to Mapi was hard. Obviously, they would see each other soon, but it reminded me too much of her. Of my Mapi.

Of Ona.

I wanted her back. I needed her back.

But I knew it couldn't happen, at least not for a while.

I walked with Guro through the terminal at Oslo International. We found our favourite bakery, stocked with croissants and donuts. I treated us both to one for the flight.

"Thanks, Ev," Guro said, as she munched into her croissant.

"Well, I need to keep you happy for this flight. A hangry Guro is not a Guro I want on a 36-hour travel day."

"Hey!" Guro exclaimed, before laughing, knowing I was probably right.

Guro sat on the window for the flight, and I was in the middle, with Ingrid on the left side of me. Frida had the other window, and the four of us were all in one row. The girls were together, and I loved it more than I thought.

Halfway through the flight, Guro came and sat in my little cabin, already bored.

"Guro, we've been on the plane for only 6 hours," I said, laughing as she sat on my footrest.

"Can we play a game or something?" she asked, her eyes fluttering.

"Ingi, game?" I said, peering over to Ingrid.

"Fine," Ingrid replied. "One game Guro, and then we take a nap."

One game of Uno turned into 5, which turned into 8, and by the time the flight attendants came around with food, it had been nearly two hours of straight Uno.

"We are going to be so tired when we land in Doha," I exclaimed.

During our 9 hour layover in Doha, we all fell asleep on the couches in the lounge. While all the other girls grabbed food, or read books, or played games, Ingi, Guro and I were fast asleep.

With another flight to go, we all took a sleeping pill to ensure maximum alertness when we landed in New Zealand, and sure enough it worked.

We arrived in the country with the long white clouds feeling awake but not too fresh. I was extremely excited to go to the hotel, get changed and put some fresh clothes on.

"I genuinely think this is the longest I have never showered," I said to Ingi, as we were on the bus to the hotel.

"I feel so utterly gross," she replied.

After the best shower of my life, and an amazing sleep to go alongside it, it was soon time to get acquainted with New Zealand.

In our group, we had New Zealand, Switzerland, and the Philippines. At this rate, I knew we could never be too confident but I also had hope that all would work out the way it was supposed to. We could make it through if we had gut, and determination and resilience.

As we trained, in the days leading up to it, a bad feeling approached in my stomach. I was being left out of training exercises purposefully, and being forced to watch from the sides. The last time I remember feeling like this was during the lead-up to our 8-0 defeat to England. I was being left out, by the coach. By the person who was supposed to see the best in me.

The day before the opening match, against New Zealand, I was called into Hege's office. Caroline walked with me to the room, for a reason I was unsure of, but as I walked inside, she stayed out.

"Hi," I soon said to my manager. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, Eva, please sit down." I sat at the desk in the room, looking at her lean body across from my own.

"Is all okay?" I asked.

"Well, I wanted to let you know that you will not be starting tomorrow." Something dropped in me. Dropped even further than it already was. I had, at the same time, both been expecting this and not.

"Oh, um- may I ask why?" I soon questioned.

"I just think we need something different," she replied.

"Um, okay. Have I done something wrong?" I asked, wanting to get a clearer answer.

"No," Hege responded.

"Okay. what kind of 'different' do you need?" At this rate, all I wanted was clarity. I didn't care that I wasn't in the starting 11, I just wanted to know why.

"It's not you, Eva."

"Okay."

"It's- you can go now." I looked at her stunned. What was happening? Why was this happening? Tears started to stream down my face, but I didn't want to show her my weakness. I stood up immediately, walking out of the room, but before I could leave on my own, I saw Caroline standing there.

"Shit," she said, walking closer to me. I felt her about to hug me, but as I stepped back, she soon remembered. I slid my back against the wall, feeling so defeated.

"What did she say?" Caroline asked, sitting beside me, but leaving enough room between us to give me my space.

"I'm not starting tomorrow," I answered.

"Did she say why?" Caroline questioned.

"Nope," I responded.

"Any reasoning?"

"Nothing."

"Don't worry, Eva. I promise you, this won't be going on for too long. We'll get what we deserve. Soon."

And the following day, in front of 40,000 at Eden Park, we lost.

I came on in the 76th minute. But it was all too late.

A 1-0 defeat was not how we wanted to start our World Cup. 

note:

- GUYS WORLD CUP? MORE LIKE FUCKING CHAOS CUP...

- this is genuinely insane... i can't quite believe it. at all.