this is me trying

Chapter 25 - Control

I lay in my bed. My phone was buzzing, and my heart was pounding. I felt my chest rise and fall. Rise and fall. Rise and fall. Tears were no longer streaming down my face, but my cheeks were still red from the previous few hours.

Mamma and Pappa didn't know what was happening. I didn't tell them much. How could I? I felt like a failure. I had failed myself. I had failed Ona. I had failed everyone. All I wanted was to be the person they wanted me to be and want the things they all wanted me to want, but it was getting too much. It was getting all too hard.

The following day, I still hadn't got out of bed. I was scared that if I did, I would fall down something even worse than I was in right now. The fears were intruding so far deep into my brain. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't do it.

Just as I was about to reach over to the sleeping pills that were beside my bed, there was a knock at my door.

"Evy?" I heard a voice call out. I knew who it was. I wasn't sure whether to be happy, or scared.

"Come in, Ingri," I said to my best friend, who stood on the other side of the door. She came inside, looking at me in the bed. I was a mess. I knew that. My hair was matted, and I hadn't got out of my pyjamas in days. But I knew she wouldn't care about that. Ingrid never did.

She sat on my bed, looking at me with a glimpse of sadness in her eyes.

"Hey," she said, looking at me.

"Hi," I responded.

Ingrid's POV

13th February 2023

I wasn't going to be going to the international break. I had injured myself in one of the recent games, which was frustrating, but I knew it was nothing serious. I was glad it was nothing serious. This meant I could focus on my recovery during the international break and be ready for when the Barca games started back up again. I hadn't gotten around to telling my friends (Eva, Guro, Frida) about the injury yet but I assumed it would be fairly obvious when the team list came out.

I lay in my bed, with Mapi beside me, when her phone rang. It was Ona.

"Hola," Mapi said, into the phone.

"Ingrid?!" she called out, not even recognising Mapi who sat in front of her.

"Yeah?" I asked, taking the phone from Mapi.

"Have you heard from Eva?" She sounded worried. Quite worried. But, from my experience, I was just surprised that this hadn't happened sooner.

When Eva and I first became friends, we were both young. We were young players trying to do things with our lives. I was trying to make a name for myself, like most young players want to, in the football world. Whereas, that scared Eva. She was scared to become someone great, even though everyone knew she could and she would.

Eva had gone off the grid quite a few times. During summer, she would often isolate in Trondheim, not seeing anyone, including myself, for months at a time. During Christmas break, she would go home, and not go on social media at all.

And the few times it had happened during the season, it was always written off as an injury. But, Guro and I, we both knew that it was never an injury. It wasn't a physical one at least.

Eva has taught me a lot, in our many years of being friends. She has taught me more than I ever imagined one person could teach another. She didn't do it on purpose, but by just being herself, she has changed the way I see people. I understand now that the brain is so important in our wellbeing. The way our minds work can change the entire course of our lives. And for her, it really has. Her brain dictates so much, even if she doesn't want it to. Even if she tries her best for it not to. It does. And that won't and probably never will change.