City of Fire and Ink

Of Course I Can Uncalibrate Them

"Have you found the secret to life yet?"

"What?" The pot in my hand tipped suddenly, almost falling to the ground. Inez materialized next to me, her hair tied back.

"You've been staring at that philodendron for a while."

"Oh have I?" I placed the plant gently down on the shelf. "It's a nice plant. You should get it." My words sounded distracted even to my ears. Yikes.

"Were you zoning out again?"

"No. Why?" I was totally zoning out. But Inez wanted to go plant shopping and I desperately needed a distraction.

"What's going on?"

"I'm fine, I swear. I just woke up in a weird mood." I avoided her eyes, fixating on the rows and rows of bushy green plants in front of me.

"You're a horrible liar."

"Do I get points for trying?" I forced a playful grin onto my face.

"No, you don't. Tell me what's going on." They didn't say it like a question but it was. Inez never forced me to tell her anything I wasn't ready to tell her, though we'd gotten so close that it was more odd for me to not be telling her everything. It wasn't that I didn't feel ready to share, it's just that I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I was still reeling from the aftermath of Inez's kidnapping as though I had been the victim. Ashamed that I got heart palpitations while washing the dishes or stroking her hair thinking that one day, I'd turn around, and she'd be gone.

I wanted to talk to her but I was scared I'd come off as clingy. Inez had baggage from that, from people trying to control her. She was doing the best she could to move on from what happened, and I didn't want to be the one to drag her right back. She was the victim, not me. I shouldn't have been making such a big deal out of it anyways.

And even if I did, I didn't even know what I wanted. I was so fucking exhausted. So tired of holding everything around me together, I couldn't possibly think about what I needed. I could go through the motions, eat, work, sleep just fine, but that was it. Emotionally, I was on thin fucking ice.

"Earth to Seojun," Inez poked me again. I jumped, startled, then immediately recoiled at myself. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I focus?

"Yep. I'm here."

"Here but not really here." Their voice softened. "Is it the Lourdes?"

Fuck. I couldn't just stand here in silence when she sounded like that. "Yeah it is. We've been fielding attacks left and right. Nothing at the Abascal's yet, but it's getting closer. Our numbers are already dropping. I'm getting updates all the time that there's another attack. We're working our ass's off, but Red Genisis keeps forcing us backwards, never getting an edge on the Cobras. Every step we take, we're equally matched. I don't know what the outcome will be and I hate it."

"That's fucked up." The outrage wrung the anger from their voice like a fruit trampled underfoot.

"It is. The longer we fight, the more they benefit." I rubbed my eyes. "I'm sorry. I know you just wanted to go plant shopping and here I am . . . ,"

"If your next sentence contains the words trauma dumping, then I'm going to screech."

"Like a veliciraptor." I cracked another grin.

"Even louder."

"But the people in the store?" I protested weakly.

"The people in the store can deal. They're probably all wrapped up in their own problems anyway. Half of these people are probably in here because their qpr is making them anxious and they need to cope by being surrounded by plants who don't have time for human drama."