Messy

Evan

I'm not surprised. He does a good job of burying everything that might bring up emotions. He's not a feeling-y person.

I let him shake it off. I know it's a rough subject.

I never meant for it to go the way it did.

I wish I could go back and fix it. There are so many things I would have done differently if given the chance. Maybe we would still be okay if it weren't for me.

The tree at Ellison was the result of me thinking too much about that day.

Everything wasted, left with nothing to say.

It was in the middle of September in 8th grade. Jared and I were best friends back then. Inseparable. Well... Okay. We were definitely inseparable, but we weren't best friends. Not at that time. Not since the middle of 7th grade.

I should probably tell you how it started first. 7th grade, like I said. The day Jared came out as pan to his family, and then me. He was crying when he told me. Scared. I don't know what I was supposed to do, but I definitely did something. I kissed him, my best friend. I sort of panicked after. But he didn't leave. He didn't run away. I remember what he said perfectly. I remember how it broke my heart for him. I remember the hope in his voice, along with the fear, when he said, "You don't hate me?"

I could never. I was so confused. Who could ever hate Jared? I understood what he meant, of course. I wasn't stupid. But I just... He was amazing. I told him so. He didn't believe me the first time I said it. So I started saying it every day, as many times as I could. For about a week, we sort of just pretended nothing had happened. We were best friends, like normal. We hung out after school every day, like normal. We were inseparable, just like we had always been.

At the end of that week, Jared and I woke up early in the morning so we could go to the park and watch the sunrise. The sunrise was his idea, the park was mine. We climbed the tallest tree in the park and sat, watching the sun come up. And just as the sun was peeking over the mountain, Jared said something. He said, "I want to kiss you again, Evan."

Let's just say, we missed the rest of the sunrise.

He said he wanted to be my boyfriend.

I said okay.

And we were together until that day in 8th grade.

As I might have mentioned before, I used to be in the habit of telling Jared how great he was every day. Every single day. It didn't matter if it was in person, on a phone call, or over text. I did it every day.

One day, he asked me if it was true. He asked, "Do you really think I'm good?"

He looked upset. I just wanted to help him. I told him that yes, I thought he was better than good.

And he shook his head and said, "Okay, but do you think I'm a good person?"

And I said, "Of course I do!"

He said, "You aren't lying?"

He knew that I was a good liar, and still am. It was a reasonable question.

"I would never lie to you." I said. He looked at me funny for a moment. Then, he started listing off the times I had lied to him. I remember thinking, did he make a list or something?

And I got angry. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I am lying." I said. "Since apparently that's all I'm good for."

And he said, "Maybe."

And there was more anger. I told him that I never really wanted him anyway, that I was only trying to make him feel better about himself. He got angrier. He said I was a liar, which was true. I didn't mean a single thing I said that day. Especially what I said next.

"I never loved you." I said. "And I don't think I ever will. So go on, call me a liar. It's true. I'm sorry for making you think I actually cared about you."

And then I walked off. Just... Walked away. After that, I didn't talk to him for years. Not until he got that shiny red pickup truck. Then he needed me so his parents would pay for his car insurance. We never actually talked, just Hi and Bye. He would sit and watch movies on his laptop or play video games. I would do homework or look through my camera roll on my "weird, off-brand phone" (as Jared called it. I have an iPhone now).

And now we're actually talking. Aside from over text. Preparing to plot a murder. Maybe worse than the murder-plotting is that I'm realizing that I want him back. I shouldn't even think about it. He won't take me. After the way I hurt him, I'd be surprised if he even wants to talk after this.

I've gotta try and fix it, before it's definitely too late. It could already be too late. But I've got to try, or else I'm going to have nothing left to live for.

I mean, Connor. But I'm about to kill him. Literally about to kill the boy I was crushing on for several years. We even dated a little bit! I'm getting rid of him, and then I'm getting close to Jared again. It's a fairly solid plan.

Except for the part where I have to actually commit homicide. That isn't exactly solid. So many things could go wrong there.

I look up from my cast to see that Jared has parked the truck in the parking lot of some gym building. Dillinger's Gym and Archery.

"What are we doing here?" I ask. I don't remember a workout being on the agenda.

"Wonderful question. It's a good place to work because nobody will be able to hear us." Jared explains. "I have a membership, but I don't use it to actually work out. I don't need it, obviously. Anyways, whenever I want to just chill, I tell my parents I'm going to the gym. Then I just come here and hang out. Literally nothing I tell my parents is true and they have no idea."

I snort. "Wow. That's honest."

"You're one to talk."

Oops. Of all the things to say.

"Let's not." I say. He nods in agreement and climbs out of the truck. I follow shortly. I've got my laptop tucked under my broken arm. I jog to catch up with Jared and walk inside the gym with him. We find a bench in the back corner of the gym and sit. I open my laptop and Jared scoots close to me.

Like he used to.

He looks uncomfortable. I don't really feel bad because I like it.

"So what's the plan?" I ask.

"We're going to get really friendly with him. That's step one. Step two, we convince him to come to my place for dinner. Step three, murder."

"Yeah, but how are we supposed to kill him?" I ask.

"I know lots of ways to kill people. I just can't decide what'll work best."

I study my cast, and think about musicals, and come up with a really good idea. Well, bad. But good. You know what I mean.

"We could use pills and call it suicide. We'll have to find some sort of drug that takes a while to kick in. Plant evidence. A suicide note-"

"Your letter!" Jared cuts in. "Then it's harder to trace it back to you. And then nobody will find out that you wrote the letter. The whole point of this in the first place."

"Perfect."