Messy

Evan

T/W: Self-harm and mentions of suicide

I feel sick everywhere.

For the first time this week, I truly wish I were dead. I want to go back to the tree.

But the tree didn't work the first time. Why should it work this time?

"Mom." I say weakly. "Can I p-please sit down?"

"Of course, honey." She pulls a chair to me, and I sit. Mom looks into my eyes. She looks scared. Not disappointed, somehow, but definitely scared.

She walks away, goes to talk to Michael and Rich, and a screaming Jared.

I lean down to the floor. I feel around until I find what I'm looking for.

That knife. The one I just...

Yeah.

I lift it off the hardwood floor. I raise it to my wrist. Change my mind. I flip my arm over and press the knife into my skin halfway up my arm.

It hurts, just like I wanted it to.

I make several cuts, all lined up with the first.

I should just stab myself.

I should die already.

I should have died that day in Ellison.

I'm about to make another cut when, randomly, Jared's screaming stops.

I snap back into my senses. I drop the knife under the table.

"Evan?" Jared asks in a scratchy, quiet voice.

I don't look at him. I want him to talk again.

He doesn't.

So I turn to face him.

"Jared ohmygosh I'm so sorry, I-"

"Stop." His scratchy voice cuts me off. He stands up unsteadily, wiping his hands on his pants. He comes to me. He grabs my hand and sits in my lap and cries. I cry too. I don't know what else to do.

I just killed someone for crying out loud!

My FATHER.

I don't know what to do.

At some point in our crying-festival, the cops show up.

There's a lot of questions.

The flashing police-car-lights are making me nervous.

Eventually, the police leave.

I'm not going to get arrested. Nobody is going to get arrested.

Thank gosh.

But I'm getting sent to a psych ward. Not for very long. Just a couple of days, they said. Because they asked me for the full story, and I gave it. Including the part where I've been cutting myself and the part where I tried to commit suicide because of my father (not the time at Ellison, the time before that). Also because I was literally bleeding from cutting myself when the police arrived. And I threatened to kill myself to save Jared.

They just want to make sure I'm "okay." Whatever that means.

I leave tomorrow, I guess.

It'll be okay, right?

I can survive a few days in a mental hospital.