Messy

Evan

He isn't angry. That's a good sign. But I don't really know what he's feeling. He isn't angry, that's all I've got.

But what I have is enough, right?

"Are we gonna..." I gesture to the computer screen.

"Yeah, okay." He says. "What else could we need?"

"I dunno, um. I dunno."

"I got it! We need backdated emails, like, from fake email addresses. Exchanged between you and Connor. Maybe a few from me. I'm not big on emails, so it wouldn't make sense if there were too many from me. They're to protect us. Like, we're his friends, why would we kill him? Just an extra precaution. We might not even end up using them. But also, like, since we're using your letter as his note, people are going to wonder why he wrote his note to you. So, emails."

Smart guy.

"Do you know how to backdate emails?" I ask.

"Yes. Yes, I do." Jared pulls my laptop out of my hands. He shows me what he's doing as he does it. Three fake email addresses. Then he does a bunch of weird stuff to the first email before we begin to write.

Now for the writing, of course.

Dear Evan Hansen,

We've been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy, and it sucks that we don't talk that much. But I should tell you that I think of you each night...

I'm going to spare you the awkwardness of what Jared types after that.

"WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THAT?" I demand. Jared lets out a cackle.

"I'm just trying to tell the truth!" He raises his arms in false surrender. "I mean, it's obvious that you used to have a thing for him."

"This needs to be perfect! These emails have to prove that we were actually friends! They have to be completely realistic!"

"There is nothing unrealistic about the love one man feels for another."

"Just... I'll do it." I pull the laptop from his hands.

I've gotta tell ya, life without you has been hard.

"Hard?" Jared asks. I roll my eyes and backspace.

Has been bad.

"Bad?" Jared comments. I fix it again.

Has been rough.

"Nice." Jared snorts. I continue.

And I miss talking about life and other stuff.

"Very specific." Jared taunts.

"Shut UP!" I say forcefully.

I like my parents.

"Who says that?" Jared.

I love my parents but each day's another fight. If I stop smoking drugs then everything might be alright.

"Smoking drugs..." Jared.

"Just fix it!" Me.

If I stop smoking crack

"Crack?!" Me.

If I stop smoking pot then everything might be alright. I'll take your advice and try to be more nice. I'll turn it around, wait and see. Because all that it takes is a little reinvention. It's easy to change if you give it your attention. All you have to do is just believe you can be who you want to be.

Sincerely, Me

We crank out a ton of emails, alternating between if it's from me or Connor. A few between Jared and I. A few between Jared and Connor. We re-read everything before saving it.

"The emails between you and I are giving off ex-lover energy." Jared says.

"Because we have ex-lover energy." I reply.

"Fair enough."

I wish it wasn't ex-lover energy. I miss being with Jared. I miss him. I miss the way we used to be able to tell each other everything. I miss his cute laugh that I never hear anymore. Whenever he laughs, nowadays, it's fake. Nothing like it used to be.

I miss how it felt when he held my hand, and the way his face lit up when he'd see me. How my heart felt whenever he would kiss me. I miss seeing him every day, and I miss when he was happy to see me. I miss when he would smile at me and it would feel like it was only us.

"I miss you." I whisper to him. I don't know if he hears me. He doesn't move, doesn't say anything. Nothing comes for what feels like a very, very long time.

And then I feel his lips on mine and my heart lights on fire.