It's Never Easy

Chapter 12 - Arianne

Arianne

Astor and I slipped into an easy routine in the days following. He was safe. He wouldn't hurt me. And so I allowed him into my life. He walked me to my lectures and seminars. I met him for lunch, a different cafe every day. We cooked together in the evenings, eating in front of the TV as I educated him in all my favourite sitcoms.

He held my hand. Pulled me close if I drifted too far away. And kissed me. Often. I'm pretty sure if he had it his way his lips would never leave my skin. But I was still cautious. Trying to create boundaries. Because so much had happened in such a small space of time it felt doomed to all come crashing down at some point. So we never went further than kissing. And he seemed - surprisingly okay with that. I knew there would become a point when kissing wasn't enough, that he would want more, but things were okay for now. And that's all I needed. I didn't need to worry about the future. I just needed to enjoy the present. And boy was it enjoyable.

I still had moment of course. Panic attacks that snuck up on me. Usually in the heat of the moment. One minute I was breathless from the passion and heat coursing through my body, the next I just couldn't breathe. My therapist was encouraged by my progress. She advised me to be cautious though, keep an eye out for any red flags. There weren't any though. Whenever I had those panic attacks, he gave me whatever I needed. If I needed him gone, needed time in my own space, he would leave without any hesitation. If I needed him, needed comfort in his arms, he would hold me, for as long as it took for me to calm down. He never pressured me to talk, to explain why or what had triggered me. Everything was on my terms. That's what made it so frustrating. It was perfect. He was perfect. And I was fucked up and didn't deserve him.

"Ari?" I looked over at him on the opposite side of the table. We were in the Law Library, which was usually my favourite library but today it was freezing and so quiet it made my thoughts seem loud. He'd starting calling me that. Shortening my name in everyday use. He now reserved Arianne for when we were in bed, and he was breathless and he'd say it like a prayer. I don't think I ever wanted my name said in any other way again. He gave me an easy smile. "My phone's about to die and there are no plugs free, let's get out of here." He always seemed to know exactly when I needed a break, a distraction. I must have a very expressive face. He packed my things for me, grabbed my bag before I could swing it over my shoulder, and laced his fingers with mine so he could pull towards the exit.

We stepped outside and were immediately met with a downpour, Astor scowled at the sky.

"I hate British weather."

"Like Canada is any better." We'd walked in, because it had been a sunny morning and from our flat we could walk through the University parks which was nice even on a crisp late Autumn morning. I regretted that now it was a rainy Autumn afternoon. "We can get the bus." He scowled at me. "Will you get over your irrational hatred of buses? You're living in Oxford, you're going to have to get a bus at some point."

"But that will not be today," He took my hand and pulled me back inside. "Besides, it doesn't make sense to get the bus, we have to walk further into town to the bus stop. We'll just wait it out."

I shrug, not particularly bothered either way, "Fine, we'll go back inside and carry on studying."

"Oh, we're going back inside." He smirks and tugs on my hand, leading us back into the library. He pulls us into a corner, between two shelves, that is fairly secluded. He backs me up into the shelf, caging me in with arms, giving me a hungry look as he gaze devours me. That look alone has heat pooling in my body. "I think you need a break from studying." He bends to murmur, right against my ear. His lips ghost over the shell of my ear, his tongue flicks out, sending a shot of pure pleasure straight to my core. He brushes his lips across my jaw, until they finally reach my lips. "I think you need some stress relief."

"I think you're right." I say, already breathless. I grab him by the collar and smashed his lips to mine.

"I love it when you take what you want." He smiles as he kisses me. When his lips are on mine, there is no room in my mind for anxiety and panic. He demands all my attention. Every thought centres around his lips on mine. How they move. How they feel. Anticipation for where they will go next. There is nothing else that exists in this moment. All that there is, is his mouth, the blood pounding so hard throughout my body I could feel my heartbeat in my ears. Nothing else could possibly matter.

The wooden shelves bite into my back, but I don't care, I barely notice. I felt so good. Astor always makes me feel so good. His hands skim down my body, over hips, passed my ass to my thighs which he grips carefully as he hauls me up against him. My legs wrap themselves around his waist on their own accord and he presses me harder into the shelf. I gasped into his mouth when he grinds into me. His teeth graze down my neck and my entire body shudders at the intensity of the sensation. Why did that feel so good? He nips playfully at the juncture of my neck and I let out a breathy moan as my head falls back against the shelves, my eye fluttering closed.

"Keep making noises like that." Somewhere, deep in the back recesses of my mind, I'm aware we're in a library. A public place. Where there are other people mere feet from us. But it's so hard to care when he feels this good.

My hands are tangled in his hair as I try to pull him impossibly closer. There is entirely too much space, and too many layers of clothes between us. He groans as he slowly grinds his hips into mine, ensuring I feel every inch of his hard length. Fuck.

"Fuck the rain." He says in between intense presses of his lips to mine. "Let's get home." And then my feet are on the ground and I'm not really sure how I'm standing after that but he's dragging me through the halls and we're both breathless and flushed and laughing at everyone who glares at us for disturbing the peace. I don't care. I have never been this turned on in my life. It's making me light-headed and giddy.

We run home in the rain.