Storm and Grace

You Never Had a Chance

Johnny's POV

I woke up in a foul mood. I hadn't slept much last night. The demons kept floating around in my mind. Jen's face haunted me. Her face. Her tears. Her inability to say anything. She was nonverbal probably due to all the trauma she had to endured. Everything she had kept inside and never dealt with.

I made my way into the living room. It was past noon. Everything seemed to move all around me, except me. I felt stuck. I wanted to be with Jen. I needed to be with her. To know what they planned to do with her. What she would do. What they would do to help her. Instead, I had royally fucked up by punching the one person I thought was on my side. Without Lin, I knew I had no access to Jen. He had always been there for me. Or so I thought.

He fucking lied to me. That was my child. My baby. A baby I never got a chance to mourn...until now.

I walked into the bar and poured myself some wine. It was the only thing that helped me numb this anxiety. I felt anxious. Depressed. Lost. Angry. Everyone seemed to be against me.

Do your worst.

I took a long, needed drink of my favorite red wine. Instantly making me feel better.

"You're drinking again," I heard Christi call out.

I opened my eyes and saw her standing in front of me, her arms crossed. With an annoyed and disappointed look on her face. I didn't care. I ignored her and took another drink.

"You shouldn't be drinking this early," she continued. "Did you just wake up?"

"What do you think?" I asked. I was in no mood to deal with Christi. Or anyone.

"I think you should start dealing with your demons like an adult," she spat back.

"I think you need to mind your damn business," I shot back.

"You don't have many people on your side, Johnny," she continued. "I'm probably one of the few people that's on your side. So please, cut me some slack."

"Fuck everyone," I growled. I drank some more wine. "Everyone is trying to keep Jen away from me. So as far as I'm concerned, everyone can go straight to hell."

Christi didn't answer. She just looked at me.

"I saw her this morning," she said, after a couple of minutes of silence.

I felt my head shot up, almost instantly. "You saw Jen?"

Christi nodded.

"This morning?" I asked.

"Yes," she nodded.

"Where?" I almost whispered. My anxiety shooting up and bolting all over my body.

"I went to visit her at the place she's gonna stay," she sighed.

"How did you know where she was gonna be staying?" I frowned.

"I got in touch with Lin-Manuel," she continued.

I should have asked her how she was able to get a hold of Lin. But all I kept thinking about was Jen. And how she was doing.

"How is she?" I gulped.

"The same," Christi's face instantly softened. "She gave me a big hug. She was happy to see me."

My eyes began to sting. I felt the tears threatening to reappear any second.

"Was she able to..." I nodded. I couldn't even finish the question.

"No," Christi shook her head. "She was still not able to form a sentence."

The tears immediately made a reappearance. I nodded and looked down, feeling the tears streaming down my face.

"But she's in great hands, Johnny," Christi continued. "They are the best facility and they will help her get better. She will be herself in a couple of weeks. You'll see."

"I want to see her," I blurted out.

"You will," Christi nodded. "In a couple of weeks. When she's out."

"No," I shook my head. "I need to see her now."

"Johnny," Christi began. "Do not start. That's not a good idea. She needs to be left alone."

"You don't understand," I sniffed. "I need to see her."

"You don't—"

"Christi!" I growled. Interrupting her excuse that I saw coming from a mile away. "Jen and I have been through so much bullshit together. Shit no one can ever understand but ourselves. We need each other. I need her."

Christi's eyes began to water.

"I've never needed anyone more than I need her," I cried.

Christi wiped her tears away and just looked at me.

"Please," I begged her. "I just need to see her. That's it. I don't even need to go near her. Even if I see her from afar away, that'll be more than fine with me."

"Lin and Vanessa will never allow it," she finally answered.

"Fuck them both," I growled. "If they're trying to keep her away from me, then they can both go straight to hell. I need to see her."

Jen's POV

"Here you go, Miss Hernandez," the nurse smiled at me, handing me some pills with a glass of water.

I nodded and took them from her. I swallowed the pills and took a long sip of my water.

"We'll start therapy later today, right after lunch," she smiled, taking the glass of water from me. "I'll let you rest."

I nodded.

Soon, I was alone.

How did I get here? I am able to articulate everything I want in my mind, but I can't do so verbally.

It felt as if I was staying at a fancy hotel. I had a luxurious bedroom to myself, attached with a beautiful bathroom and a living room area. I climbed into my bed and sat there. Holding my knees close to my chest.

This is gonna be my home for the next couple of weeks.

I didn't have access to my phone nor a computer. I could watch TV. But I was pretty much locked away from the real world.

The real world.

Maybe that was a good thing. The real world had let me down. So much had happened since I met Johnny. He had been the best thing that had ever happened to me. But he was also the worst thing...

It was almost as if the universe didn't want us to be together. We had fought so hard to stay together. But every time we did so, bigger obstacles would block our happiness.

And now...everything was over. And he knew.

He knows about our baby. And he was pissed.

I need to write. I need to get this out. Or it will consume me.

I got out of bed and found a notebook at the nearby table. I grabbed it along with a pen and walked back into my bed. There was so much bottled up inside of me. Things I needed to say. Things I had to get off my chest. I began to furiously write phrases down

Until the pages of this book are filled with emptiness
I'm still suspended by a thread
Expecting nothing less
I feel my kindred little way
I know how my story ends

I was surprised at how fast I was able to write my feelings down. Maybe this would be my outlet until I was able to find my voice again. I wrote the last sentence on that page: You never had a chance..like me.

Thank you so much for being SO patient with me as I navigated through a new adventure in life. I am okay. But I had been extremely busy. I hope that you guys liked this chapter. I won't take as long to update moving forward, I promise.