Mental Beatdown

Blue is the Warmest Color

If you've been paying attention to my past rants, and if you're a female that goes to my school that I talk to a lot named Hope, you'll know this was coming.

Hmmmph.

I'm going to try and restrain on the screaming, but you've been warned. This movie makes me want to caps-lock everything because it is a goddamn travesty.

I'm not a film critic. Fuck it, maybe I'd like to be one day. I certainly love tearing films apart. But let me show you why I'm not a film critic: this movie has one of the highest ratings ever on Rotten Tomatoes, a notoriously tough site. Critics loved this film so much that they probably came all over it.

There's a reason I mentioned cumming, there (this will certainly be mature, sorry guys). This film, that won one of the hardest prizes in film making, maybe even THE hardest, is basically porn. That's all it is, really. If you look at it without watching it, you'll be like "Oh, Ally's just being pervy." I'm not. I didn't go in to it thinking "Oh, this is porn. Super excited." I can look up really great lesbian porn whenever I want. I have an internet connection. I wanted to watch this because it was being touted as some sort of Holy Grail of films, and finally, finally, lesbians were being correctly represented in a film.

You know who said that? Straight people. Mostly guys. I realize that, now, because after seeing this film every lesbian/pansexual/bisexual female who I've talked to about this film agrees that it's basically porn and doesn't represent lesbian relationships the tiniest bit. That is fucking IMPORTANT. That's like me writing Lobsters, and everyone praising it, and then lesbians coming to me and saying "This doesn't represent us at all, none of this is accurate." When you're writing about a certain group of people, especially a minority, you'd damn well get it right. And, look, the director was a straight man. Do I think he shouldn't be able to direct a lesbian film? No! He can direct it all he wants, and I'm positive a straight man can do just as well as a lesbian director at portraying a lesbian relationship. If he does his research and talks to actual lesbians, which never fucking happened in the development of this movie.

Besides being overindulgent and pretentious as FUCK (the movie runs over three goddamn hours and the sex scenes run at least twenty minutes on the longest one, I counted), the movie also failed to even capture the ideas and feelings of it's goddamn characters. BECAUSE THE WRITERS AND DIRECTOR DOESN'T KNOW HOW LESBIANS WORK.

This is a basic breakdown of the film, from a (very simple) narrative standpoint:

-Girl has boyfriend

-Girl likes candy (AAAAAAY IT'S LIKE A METAPHOR FOR SEXUAL CRAVINGS HOW SMART GO FRANCE)

-Girl gets fucked by boyfriend in intensely over-indulgent scene

-Girl meets blue haired pixie girl

-They sit in a field for a while

-They stare at each other

-Boom love

-They fuck for twenty minutes straight in several wrong positions, including scissoring, which isn't a thing because the way your body bends is unnatural and weird and it hurts

-Move in with each other

-Shit breaks down

-The End

That is a fucking problem. Notice how little I write "Girl and blue haired pixie fuck connect?" Yeah, that's because THAT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS IN THE FILM THEY BARELY FUCKING TALK. They just talk about small shit ("The weather is nice today," "Yes, it is," etc) and then fall in love and fuck. Yep, accurate description of my life, ten out of ten, win Cannes, win every award on planet Earth, start shitting out awards.

I've talked before about this really bad phenomena in film critiquing that is sweeping the nation where: sex=edgy=AWARDS. No. Nonononononono NO. That is NOT what should be happening. No one should win awards for people fucking. But BLUE DID. IT WON SO MANY FUCKING AWARDS. IT WON CANNES.

That's not even bringing up how many times the director zooms in on the main girl's ass. Yes, that happens, and in one scene her ass FILLS THE ENTIRE FRAME. Also, guess where the perspective of most sex scenes is shot? So you can see the ass. You can see so much ass in this film.

Being a lesbian, this movie kind of disgusts me. There isn't any relationship, there isn't any "truth" here. I can tell you how being a lesbian is: it's being best friends with a girl, and giggling, and kissing, and talking a lot, and there's a lot of cuddling, and a lot of going out to dinner, and a lot of snacking, and a lot of blankets. Basically a very long sleepover. Yes, there is sex. It can be a lot of sex. Girls like sex. But showing a film this overindulgent and pervy isn't helping any stereotypes or showing any "truth about lesbians." It's being a pervy dickhead and winning a lot of awards for it. These girls never had a relationship. Which, if he had done a film on that, he would have deserved the awards. But he didn't. He focused on asses and sex and had the characters barely have a relationship at all because ASS.

A lot of people were, rightfully, upset at how this movie portrayed lesbians and women. Because it's pervy as fuck. But a lot of people said that, because he is a male straight director, he should have never done the film in the first place. Um, no. I'm female, and I write about male characters on occasion. I can write a good male character. Sexuality and gender have nothing to do with not being able to write well; it's the amount of research and heart you put into writing. Because, nine times out of ten, the gender of your characters doesn't come in to play when you write a love story (unless you're including tons of pervy sex scenes that show way too much and last way too long and SHOW INACCURATE POSITIONS). The question isn't "Can this male straight director/writer write a good lesbian love story?" The real question is "Can this male straight director write a good love story?" That's it. Lesbian relationships, straight relationships, gay relationships all have the same thing in common: relationship. There is some sort of connection there. That's how you tell a good love story. Not through sex, and mindless pretentious bullshit. You describe a relationship between two people that feels realistic and one that you root for. Any person of any gender and sexuality can do that, if they have the skill. The writer of Blue clearly didn't, and he pumped out shit.