Mental Beatdown

Augustus Waters

I'm going to get so much hate for this.

I really, really, really dislike Augustus Waters. He really bothers me on a literary level, and more than that just a personal level.

My main problem with Gus is that he's just such a pretentious asshole. Don't get me wrong; I'm not hating on John Green. If you ever talk to me about him or hear me speak about him, I'll always mention how much I love his characters. Normally, they're very human and very well written. I think Q from Paper Towns is one of the best written teenagers in fiction. But Gus... He's not a teenager. He's not even fucking human. If I had cancer and was going to die, I wouldn't be saying some long rant about how I'll love my girlfriend into oblivion. That's shit that most English professors wouldn't even say. I know he's supposed to be some hyper-intellectual kid who's ahead of his time, but it's just fucking annoying and takes away from what should be a very human and touching story.

You know what kids who have cancer do? Especially when they're around his age? They're fucking angry and sad. They don't spout hyper-intellectual bullshit at anyone who will listen and make up stupid fucking metaphors that they say ten thousand times in the book. They get poked and pried and drained and torn apart figuratively and literally. I'm not saying cancer patients of any age act constantly sad and angry, but they certainly don't act the way that Gus does. A lot of my family has been afflicted by cancer. At one point my mother was thought to have it. When she found out that she may have breast cancer, she wasn't talking to my father about oblivion and cigarettes. She was sitting on her bed and crying because she knew she could very well die.

I don't blame this on John Green, and I'm not putting up the argument that "this wasn't his story to write." I think authors can write whatever story they please; whether they went through an experience or not does not take away from their ability to write about it. I just think that Green went more on the "teen fiction" side of his story rather than the "emotional journey" part. While I will respect him for having Gus lose a leg, let's face it: Gus was still a hunk. We'd all date him. Fuck, if a girl looked like the female version of Gus, I'd date the fuck out of her (sorry babe). Gus never really looked sick throughout the book or movie, and I know that's because he was in remission through most of it until the end. But still, cancer makes you look sick. It's implied that Gus had the cancer throughout his body for a while, and that would affect him physically. But it was never mentioned. Fuck, he never even slowed down. He was running all over Amsterdam like some sort of fucking Olympic sprinter, and he was FULL OF FUCKING CANCER EVERYWHERE.

But, gaping plot holes aside, Gus is still a very annoying character to listen to. When he rants about bullshit, it's nearly unbearable. The dinner scene where he talks to Hazel Grace about always loving her is almost vomit worthy. It's romantic, but God DAMN boy! You just met her! Holy fuck. How long have you known each other? Three months, at most? Fuck me! It took me like three months to even get the idea that I had a crush on my current girlfriend, and Gus is over here talking about oblivion and always loving her and for FUCK'S SAKE, BOY. Maybe I'm just really weird about these kinds of things, but it's not as romantic when you rush. When, in a three month span, you're like ILOVEYOUIWILLALWAYSLOVEYOUOBLIVIONISINEVITABLEILOVEYOUHAZELIALWAYSWILLLOVEYOU it's not as romantic as when you spread it out over time. Gus would be so much more of a likeable character if he took it a little slower. What he's saying is romantic (if a bit "Oh my God so cheeseball must vomit") but when you say it that early in a relationship you just come across as a pretentious weirdo. I know that it plays on the idea that cancer patients don't have much time, but this caused a fucking gaping plot hole because GUS THOUGHT HE WAS IN REMISSION WHY DOES HE NEED TO RUSH THINGS SO FUCKING MUCH. 

But that's not the end. Probably my biggest problem with Gus (and the book as a whole) has nothing to do with the plot. Or him, really. It has to do with the fans. Because God damn you all. Gus does not have ownership over the "teenager going through a rough time who falls in love" scenario. The amount of times that my character Theo in Going On has been ecstatically held up as a Gus Waters knockoff is fucking infuriating. Gus had nothing to do with that story or any of my other stories. It's the same for so many writers out there. I wrote Ivan in Savages as a Gus Waters knockoff, though. I will admit that. But I wrote him as one so fucking infuriating that no one could possibly like him (though a lot of people seem to love him. Go figure). My whole point in that book (what's written of it, anyway) is that no one like that exists. No one acts like Gus Waters.

So. Fangirls. Fucking stop. Stop with the Gus Waters. He's not a well written character. He's filled with as many plot holes as he is filled with holes of cancer.

Ooooooh shit.

That's going to get me in some trouble.