it only hurts this much right now ━✫ sebastian sallow

chapter 12

Memory No. 2

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I didn't want to open the letter, if I'm being completely honest.

It's been a couple of weeks since my fifth year at Hogwarts ended, and I believe it was my most eventful year by far. Which was saying a lot, mind you. I've gotten into quite a lot of trouble on my own.

However, what made last year different was a new face that had entered my life – a girl. A girl who possessed an extremely rare ability to see traces of and wield ancient magic. A girl who selflessly helped me find a cure for Anne, even though I led her down a path I deeply regret. A girl who was there for me when I had no one.

That girl sent me a letter just a couple of days ago, and I have yet to open it. I haven't even touched it since I placed it on my desk.

When her owl first dropped the letter off to me, I was excited. No one, not even Ominis had sent me an owl until then; however, the more I stared at the envelope, the more guilty I felt.

This past year, I have done awful things, I'm bright enough to realize that. In search of a cure for my sister, I turned to the Dark Arts, even while every single person I knew was against it. Even Anne.

In the moment, I believed every move I made was the right one. I no longer cared what others thought or about the morals of my actions, as long as it brought Anne back. I would have died for a cure.

And yet, in the end, I realized what I truly sought was not a cure, but power. I was unfathomably selfish, and all I wish for anymore is that I realized it sooner.

I especially wish I didn't drag the new fifth year into my mess. She was a brilliant, kind, and an unbelievably selfless girl who was willing to venture with me even at the most ridiculous hours. She was willing to help Ominis overcome his fears and doubts, even if it was not for the best. Above all else, she was willing to save Hogwarts. I'm sure since the last time we spoke, she hasn't changed.

Ah, just thinking about her washed away all the sorrowful feelings I had this morning. I realized as I was sitting on my bed, staring at a page in a book I haven't turned the page of in minutes, that a smile came upon my face. I do miss those simpler times.

I tilted my head up toward the ceiling, staring at the surface above. I'm scared of getting close to her again, that's why I have yet to open the letter. I miss the fun we had amongst the chaos, especially when Ominis would occasionally tag along. Yet, I hurt her. Deeply. I don't think I'm ever going to forgive myself for what I put her, and everyone in my life through for my own selfish goals. For now, I firmly believe she should spend some time away from me. Some more time.

Knock, knock, knock.

My entire body flinched at the sudden knocking. I felt my heart drop into my stomach – ever since what I did to my Uncle Solomon, I've been terrified of someone tracing it back to me. I'm lucky enough not to have been reported to the Ministry by anyone involved, even if I deserved it. But I've had an inkling of a feeling that somehow someone would tie it all together. Back to me.

However, the knocks were quiet, and weak. I don't believe someone from the Ministry would be so gentle. Whoever was behind the door, I was far too curious to leave them be. I rarely got visitors anymore, not even from the other residents in Feldcroft.

I stood from my bed, placing the book flat against my sheets before slowly approaching the wooden door. I firmly placed my hand on the doorknob before slowly turning it open...