Anxiety

[11]

*authors note*

Hi friends!! You did not have to wait long for this chapter!!! I found a new coffee shop and it's amazing so when I need to write I just go there and hang out and write it's amazing.

also, listening to lofi girl, the new synthwave radio; it's freaking amazing it makes my brain so quiet and I can actually focus.

Go check out the aesthetics, first chapter in this book!!

and please give me comments!!!! I need them to survive!! (:

Enjoy!

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I can now totally understand why they were stressed about planning this swearing in ceremony; there are so many moving parts, so many minute details that need to be planned, and everyone is relying on you to have the last word that you're bombarded with people coming to ask you anything and everything, it's hard to keep your thoughts straight.

But it's so much easier having three people plan it rather than one or two. I understand why they didn't want to include me (I would have immediately been overwhelmed), but I'm still upset that they didn't include me sooner. I would have saved them so many headaches, and I feel like this could have been something we could bond over.

I can't stew in my anger though, I need to forgive and move on. They included me now, and that's all that matters. It doesn't help anyone to hold onto the anger of not including me sooner. I just hope that I have proven myself, and they start to include me in more things moving forward.

In the past week I was able to help them with: how the stage should look, what food and drinks we will have, and who will be doing what when the day comes. I used my notes that I had written down about the people in the pack to know who can do what, and who I think could work well together. With each decision we made together, I could see the stress slowly leaving Grey's shoulders.

There was still something hanging over all of our heads that we didn't want to acknowledge or deal with: the absolute monster that is locked in the basement. We haven't mentioned it during therapy, even though it's something we should have brought up by now. How do you even bring that up though? Oh hey Grace, by the way, we have the person who single-handedly ruined our lives just rotting in our basement. How do we deal with that?

She would have us committed, I'm sure of it. Can she do that, though? We are technically her "boss" or whatever, by being the alphas and Luna of the pack.

Edon has been screaming at me to just go downstairs and kill him; that it would feel so good and euphoric to put an end to the person who caused me to lose myself in the cruelest and most dehumanizing ways. It's so tempting, especially when someone is screaming at you all day; it's hard to drown them out. What's the worst that could happen? I lose myself even more? I already tried to kill him and it didn't work, but it shows that I'm capable of it; I just need to finish what I started.

Then logic and Grace's voice float in, gently dismantling my anger one wisp at a time: you can't stoop to his level, you tried this before and even though it didn't work out it still broke you, just because you kill him doesn't mean you're fully healed you still need to do the work, this will just be a band-aid over a bullet hole.

at this point, anything over this gaping wound will suffice. I want to take my power back from him in any way that I can. He has been looming large over my life and soul and I don't want him breathing on this Earth for a second longer.

I move my focus from the spot on the lawn to the forgotten book on my lap, and in my periphery I see Tyler nodding off. I know as soon as I stand up, he's going to wake up and follow me, and I'm okay with that. Jordan would only try to talk me down, Grey and Ryker would try to fight me for a chance to kill him, but Tyler would support me. He saw me at my lowest and put me back together; he saw how that monster broke me down, he should see how I rise from it.